Anger is a tricky emotion. People say there is a fine line between love & hate but I think it should be between love & anger. The people we love the most are the ones who can also hurt us the most & when we get hurt by those we love the emotion that masks our hurt is anger. It’s only been within the past few years that I have been able to truly identify the emotions I am feeling. It’s also only been within the last few years that I have gotten to know & understand myself. With my wreck I was dealt a not so great hand of cards. That seems pretty obvious since I should be dead but the cards I’m talking about were dealt to me after my wreck, when I was in the trauma unit fighting for my life. Little did I know of the events that would soon play out once I awoke from my coma, spend a month at Jim Thorpe & then finally make it home to start my 4yrs of outpatient therapy.
Once I came home from Jim Thorpe I was still in my walking coma, yes I was better but I was a long ways away from the woman I am today. I came home & naively thought since I’m home everything will be good. Man was I wrong. If only my future self could’ve been there to warn/prepare me for my friends getting together & deciding it was better to think of me as dead, for my family not being there or reaching out to me even when my parents told them I needed support & for the man who walked into my ICU room and began lying to my family about our relationship & then proceeding to make up stories about our past to tell me when I finally woke up & met him in person. I believe my story & my recovery would have a much different outcome & tone if I could’ve only known.
It’s really hard now when I think back on these times because my heart & mind are on different pages. I still deeply love all of these people, even if it’s only the imaginary version of what I thought they were, yet when I think of certain situations I am filled with anger. I now understand that I am actually not angry at all I am deeply hurt. To protect myself & to protect my mind from having to actually accept that these situations really did happen, these people who I love really did hurt me, I kept myself in denial. It’s much easier to keep your mind & heart in denial & just feel the “anger” but it’s also a lie & you can only lie to yourself for so long. Well at least I could.
I’m still currently working through my hurt/anger which honestly makes me angry. Yes actually angry. I have already worked through so much pain, trauma & issues with my neuropsychologist that I thought I was good. I thought I had left my hurt feelings & anger behind. I thought I had come to terms with my trauma. I thought I had come to some resolution in my heart & mind that would allow me to move forward & never look back, well I was wrong. It’s frustrating the way trauma works. The way it sets up little land mines within your mind, heart & body. It’s frustrating how you can go months or years never setting them off or knowing they exist & then when they get triggered you are blindsided. You’re caught completely off guard & feel as if you have fallen behind because you don’t understand why you were set off. I don’t know if there is anyone out there who truly understands this but I’m thinking there are some who can identify. I wish I had the answers on how to navigate these tricky emotions but the only answer I have is keep moving forward & know you are not alone. I think it’s easy to become ashamed of ourselves when we are experiencing emotions we don’t understand but that is the last thing you should feel. Embrace your emotions & try to understand them. It’s only when we have deep knowledge/understanding of ourselves that we can start to understand others. We all have dark places inside of us & only when we acknowledge our own darkness can we love ourselves & love others. Because the truth is we all are beautifully & uniquely flawed but those “flaws” make us into wise, understanding & loving people.