Trauma is a fickle creature. Just when you think you have a handle on it, it surprises you & comes from a different direction. Recently I have been trying to get my “trauma brain” on the same page as myself & my heart. It’s honestly one of the most frustrating, difficult things to deal with. I, Kaylen, will have a perfect understanding of a scenario but my trauma brain engages & then my body remembering the trauma wants to act as it did years ago when I needed to protect myself. My bodies initial reaction is very animalistic. It wants to shut down & run. This has done well for my body & my heart in the past but now it is years later & I am wanting to move forward. I want to start living the life I dreamt about during my dark days. The dream that kept me going when I thought I had reached my end.
What makes this trauma experience so frustrating is the fact that I, Kaylen, know that what my trauma brain & body are experiencing is a fear response from my past but it still feels so real presently. This inner conflict with my trauma brain & heart is truly draining. It’s as if my trauma brain/body is gaslighting me. Making me doubt what I know is presently true. I argue these thoughts & impulses away but then trauma brain comes back with “you know what happened before. You didn’t listen or see the signs & look what happened.” I, Kaylen, know that my past & where I am presently are polar opposites, yet my body is still struggling on moving into the present with me & my heart.
I know my trauma experience is specific to me but I do know that we all struggle with leaving certain aspects of our past behind. It may not be trauma but we relieve & overthink the situation. We ruminate on the What if’s? Today is the day to leave the past behind. Even if you made mistakes in your past, you do not live there anymore. We all need to take the lessons/experiences from our past & learn from them. In time we learn the seed, our past experiences, holds more beauty than the flower that blooms. Choosing to plant that seed is a brave & courageous choice, the flower that comes after is the inner growth that takes away any limitations or false beliefs we once held. Be brave. Plant that seed.
Confusion is a hard emotion to deal with. Especially when it is your mind & body that are confused. This is something I am currently working on right now. My heart & soul know exactly what they want but my body & mind are doing everything to fight against. Inner conflict is a very frustrating thing to work through & live with. The inner tug of war that is going on inside me right now is overwhelming.
For so long I have survived by feeling nothing. Purposely numbing all emotion because it was too much to handle but now I feel everything. I love feeling again but my mind & body are slower to accepting this. How do you continue to move forward when the confusion inside of you is holding you back? Will the endless challenging of every trauma thought that pops up end eventually?
I do not know the answers but I am willing to keep working through the battlefield of my mind & body to find the answers. I know what I want for my life & I know what I deserve. I know there might be some who can relate to this inner conflict & are confused just like I am about how to maneuver through the land mines our trauma has planted but just know the only way out is through. I know how overwhelming it feels presently but I do know or believe that the best days are ahead. Knowing that my best days are ahead is what is giving me the motivation to keep moving forward. I now know & feel I am not alone in this.
For years I have struggled with feeling I don’t fit in. I felt that I wasn’t like the other girls/women that I saw around me. I felt that I was too “big”, “not girly” enough. So I resorted to repressing my natural body/self. I resorted to working out & dedicating my days to being “fit.” I believed that if I couldn’t be “smaller” & “more girly”, well then I was going to be fit. Because then I would be “good” enough. This mindset has brought me a lot of anxiety & pain.
It’s hard thinking that how your body would be without the manipulation of exercise & “clean” eating isn’t good enough. That being your natural self isn’t acceptable. And feeling you are always striving for something that isn’t attainable.
A couple of years ago I started my journey of accepting my natural self & feeling good about myself without the exercise & “clean” eating. It was hard to start but once I got a few weeks in I started to feel like I could love myself in my natural state & I did. I still love myself but I have allowed my past trauma to creep back in again. I have allowed my false beliefs & our cultures fixation on diet culture to resurface in my thoughts. But recently I have found the strength to address these creeping thoughts again.
In the past month I was made to see & feel that I am worthy of being myself. It’s still a daily struggle but for the first time in awhile I actually feel worthy of more than the life I was living. Worthy of more than what my past mindset was offering. I’ve realized that I want so much more for my life & if I am in a bigger body when I experience this life than well it is worth it. I’m on a journey now to be my true self. I don’t want to look back on my life with regret because I never fully lived. I want to look back on my life when I’m 75 & remember the fun times, the good food & the priceless memories. My goal now is to tap into the young Kaylen that still lives inside of me. The one who is confident & thinks that anything & everything is possible. The one who wasn’t fixated on being “good” enough but was fixated on dinosaurs & the joys of life.
I know a lot of us struggle with thinking we don’t fit in or we don’t look right by society standards but today is the day to realize that those “standards” are only getting in your way of enjoying the life you were meant to live. Getting in the way of your natural beauty. Why do we try to morph into a cookie cutter form of beauty? Why can’t we see that our natural beauty is enough? It’s time for all of us to understand that we were not born to live a minimal life, we were born to live abundantly. Today is the day to embrace your inner child & confidently enjoy life 💙