I don’t even know how to write this because I have so much going on inside my heart & mind. This internal struggle I have been dealing with has come to a breaking point. I just want to throw my hands up & say “Ok. Ok I give up. I’m done.” I do not know how to make peace with my internal dialogue. I do not know how to feel safe inside my body. I don’t know how to feel free. I’m ruled by the strict survival structure that I made for myself years ago, but I don’t need it now. Yet, I can’t break free.
I’m struggling with finding enjoyment because instead of enjoying the moment, I’m dealing with anxiety about the future, change, & if I will be accepted in a different form. I’m tired. I’m exhausted from being so serious all the time & not being able to join in with life because I’m consumed with trying to stay “right” according to my PTSD, so nothing will go badly. I’m tired of holding in what I’m truly feeling because I’m scared of being judged as crazy & feeling as if my true emotions are invalid. I’ve been conditioned to function as a robot. My PTSD has kept me in survival mode & in that mode, I function at a very minimal level. The thought of taking more than I need, being silly, enjoying things more than just at a surface level is foreign & honestly quite scary to me. I want a life of abundance, but the thought of living that way feels as if I would then be tempting fate. The thoughts of “why do you think you need more? Who do you think you are? Are you not grateful for what you have?” Run through my mind. How could I possibly want more in this life, when I have already been given a second chance?
I know I cannot continue on this way. I know or at least I think I know what I need to do, but I’m terrified. I know I was not given a second chance at life to survive in this manner. I know or at least want to believe that I was put here for more than just maintaining what my PTSD deems as “right.” I just wish it was easier to put on my big girl pants & walk forward through this fear, but I know I must. I don’t know if anyone can relate to this or if it even makes sense, but I do know my feeling of struggling mentally is relatable. I know first hand how hard it is to overcome mental & emotional struggles, so if you are currently battling an invisible battle within yourself, do not give up. I may be struggling right now, but where I am today is 100 times better than where I was a year ago. All we can ask of ourselves during these seasons of struggle is to just keep forward motion. Some days it may be baby steps, & other days it could be giant leaps, but no matter what it is going forward, remember recovery/healing isn’t linear. During the forward motion there might be setbacks, & that is okay, it’s still healing. Today is the day to accept you deserve more & walk forward through your fear.