Inner turmoil

Hungry for answers I need to know the truth. Why did this happen? Could I have prevented it? Is this karma? Is death going to come back again? Some of the questions I would ask myself over and over. I was for sure that since I beat death five times that it would come back to claim me. He would come back to fix the mistake. To try to understand my thought process during this time is like trying to understand a different world. I have a madness that lives inside me now. It continuously searches for answers. It goes through all the Hows and Whys. Why did the wreck happen? How can I not remember anything? How will I have a future like this? How will I ever be able to move forward and achieve the “perfect” picture I had painted in my mind for my own family and future?

I’ve learned a lot these past four years. I’ve learned things don’t always work out the way you plan or you think they are going to. I’ve also learned that sometimes things go wrong or get broken that can’t be fixed and you have to be okay with it. You have to pick up the pieces and keep moving forward. And sometimes you have to break your own heart and walk away from things you once thought you couldn’t live without because you finally realize you deserve better. You have to learn to live in the new normal. You have to live for today because you now know that tomorrow isn’t promised. Goodbyes hurt when you know the story wasn’t finished. I wasn’t finished but God had different plans for my story. Having to wake up feeling like an Alien in my own body and not recognizing myself when I looked in the mirror or at photos was definitely the hardest goodbye & most frightening hello. I had to say hello to my new life and body and grieve the girl I used to be. Losing my memories and having no choice in the matter was a hard pill to swallow. It’s difficult to accept when things are taken from you and you have no say in the matter. You can’t have a do over. There is no reset button. I will always try to fill the void in my mind. I will continuously search for the lost memories. I will try my best to fill the emptiness that has been left inside my heart and mind. But I can now see the sun even on my darkest days and I have found the magic that has been hidden in this new beginning.

I learned to not try to make sense of my madness or the new structure of chaos that lived inside my mind. I’m learning to love the new me and to accept what is. I’ve had to learn to celebrate, compliment and encourage myself on my road to recovery. I had to face the harsh reality and realize it’s all up to me. Encouragement comes from the inside. Happiness comes from the inside. Happiness is the way you are and how you think. You have to make the choice to be happy. To think positively about yourself and your future. I thought like many others that I needed to find my happiness but really all I had to do was find the real me. I’m slowly learning more about myself day by day. The things I thought would kill me haven’t and the people I thought would be with me forever aren’t so I have had to reevaluate. I’ve realized I’m an odd combination of really sweet and don’t mess with me. I have also realized I deserve the best for myself and with that piece of knowledge I won’t stop till I achieve what I was meant to achieve.

Believe in yourself:

I was given this journey for a reason. I was meant to hit rock bottom to find and reclaim my true self. Courage doesn’t mean you aren’t afraid it means you have looked fear in the face and decided to move ahead anyways. It means you didn’t let fear stop you. There’s been plenty of times I wanted to curl into a ball and cry because the flashbacks/memories are like bullets that tear me apart and leave me in pieces. But I patched my wounds up and kept going. The world will move on regardless of you. The sun will rise and set regardless of your struggles and hardships. Learn to believe you are good enough, smart enough, beautiful enough and most importantly you ARE strong enough to defeat whatever it is you are battling. It will be hard at first to believe this of yourself because I’ve been working four years on it and I still don’t fully believe it BUT you must fake it until you finally believe it. If your story is anything like mine it hasn’t been calm its been quite chaotic and that’s the true beauty of it. For that chaos has revealed the true depth of my soul. You are made up of the stories within you. Now it’s time to reread them and discover the quiet depth in you.

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