One of the hardest things to do is openly admit you are struggling. Next month it will be nine years since my wreck & I still struggle every day. It’s honestly terrifying just writing that out. It’s easier for me to remain in denial & lie to myself than to speak my truth. I have a bad habit of shutting off my feelings when it becomes too much. I’ve learned it’s a defense mechanism but it also keeps me numb. At the beginning of my recovery I preferred being numb than to actually feel what I had/was experiencing & honestly even now it’s preferable to be numb than feel. I used to never understand the expression dying from a broken heart or having a hole in your heart, but unfortunately I understand now.
In the beginning of my recovery from a traumatic brain injury I was still in my walking coma & was basically being shuffled around from one therapy to the next & if I wasn’t in therapy then I was sleeping. It wasn’t until probably 3-5 years ago that I actually started to fully wake up & truly understand what had happened to me, what my life was like presently & how my future would be altered from the one I had pictured. In the beginning I was in such a foggy childlike mindset that I didn’t have the brain power to evaluate & deal with my feelings. My “new” self/brain wasn’t mature enough to work through anything yet. But then about 3-5 years ago when I started to fully wake up my heart, body & mind demanded that I start dealing with my feelings/emotions. This is around the time when I started to see my neuropsychologist & she helped me talk situations out & she helped me be more vulnerable in speaking my truth so I could get a handle on my unresolved emotions.
It’s now a month away from being nine years since my wreck & I am still struggling. I’m still having to battle my instincts to just deny my feelings & move forward. I am still having to battle with grasping my life & how it is so much different than I could have ever imagined for myself. I am still nursing my broken heart & trying to patch the holes that have yet to heal.
As I am writing this I am overwhelmed with a sense of embarrassment & shame. Thinking to myself “No don’t write this. People will read this. They might see you differently. Etc.” But these thoughts are the exact reason why I feel I need to speak my truth. So many of us are struggling every single day but we fear that if we speak life to our struggles people might view us differently, think less of us or avoid us because they don’t know what to do or say now they know how we are really feeling. If I’m honest with myself I know that if someone told me they were struggling & bared their soul to me that is not the reaction I would have. I would open my arms & heart to them. And I think a lot of people can relate to that. We forget that there are others out there just like us who know what it means to struggle, who know what it means to fight invisible battles every day. We forget we are not alone in our fights. If you are currently struggling I hope today you can be honest with yourself & speak your truth without fear. No matter what you are battling you are not alone.