Connection. Human connection is so important & it’s also something that I lack. I have people I can talk to or see but I have come to realize I don’t allow myself to connect with others. I’m scared. I recently realized that even after the years of therapy I still remain behind the wall I built for myself. For protection. My work in therapy has allowed me to tear down my wall a bit but what’s left of it still remains as a barrier between me, people & life.
I know one of the fundamental reasons behind my wall is fear. Fear of loss. I’m scared of connecting with life & people because I know what it feels like to lose it all. Sometimes it feels “better” & “safer” to remain detached because yes it is lonely but it is a loneliness I can tolerate. A loneliness i know I can live with. The feeling of heartbreak is something I’m not sure I can survive again. Coming back from multiple heartbreaks was the hardest thing I have ever done. I mean that literally. There is a lot of weight behind that statement considering I have recovered from a severe traumatic brain injury, broken hip, broken pelvis, broken ribs, broken sacrum, broken shoulder, the list goes on, but even overcoming all of that was much simpler than the heartbreak.
Emotional pain is a different beast than physical pain. Physical pain is something I have mastered but emotional pain, well I’m not sure I ever want to get good at that. Becoming good with emotional pain would represent surrendering to me. Surrendering to the pain & just giving up. I’m proud that after everything I have overcome I still feel deeply. I’m proud to know that my heart & soul are still alive. Still have spirit. But I also think that’s what makes my lack of connection with others & life so much harder. I deeply want to feel a connection to someone again but even writing that causes my heart & stomach to tighten because they both remember the pain. The blank spaces that were left in me when the ones I had a deep connection with just disappeared.
I’ve recently put my toe in the water when it comes to connecting with life again & it has felt amazing. But when the joy of reconnecting with life crept back into my heart it left the door open for my trauma. My anxiety has been very high the past 2-3months. Thoughts that I haven’t had since coming home from Jim Thorpe have come back. The unwanted memories have resurfaced. I know this is just my trauma rearing it’s ugly head but that doesn’t make those thoughts, memories coming back less scary or difficult. I know the only way out of this season of life/recovery for me is by going through it. I know I’m getting close to the peace in my heart & soul that I’ve always wanted but I’m just tired of fighting & pushing through these scary times alone. I just want someone to be there with me holding my hand & giving me the reassurance that this difficult step is worth it. It is real that sometimes people stay.
To anyone else out there who can relate to what I’m currently going through & dealing with just know you are not alone. Your fears & worries are real, are valid but don’t let them hold you back. Like I keep telling myself, once I get through this difficult period everything that I have endured & battled will be worth it. Keep moving forward one baby step at time because it is during the tough times when we continue moving forward & think we can’t that we build our confidence, find self love & learn to see ourselves through respectful loving eyes. Today is the day to continue your journey. You know what you have already overcome & I know you can keep going. You are not alone.