Why? Seriously why?! Why has all this happened? I know I’m not supposed to question God but I just need answers. I know I’m supposed to be a good little solider and keep marching on and not question His plan for me, but how much am I meant to go through. I have always been a good solider. I have kept my head down and followed the path He has given me without question but I’m growing tired. The feelings of uncertainty, emptiness and hopelessness are slowly taking over me. I could easily handle this storm if all it consisted of was physical pain. Nobody ever tells you or could accurately explain to you how much the mental and emotional pain starts to destroy your soul. I would gladly go through the wreck everyday for 10-20 years, if it would allow me to bypass the mental and emotional pain. Even if I was only able to bypass a little bit of that pain I would still gladly take the deal. Do you know what it’s like to feel as though you have been completely gutted like a fish? To be held hostage by a “stranger” that now controls your brain and body? Do you have any idea what it’s like to have to grieve for someone who is still alive? To wake up in a body that doesn’t welcome you? I do.

I’m tired of being constantly exhausted. No amount of sleep will be able to recharge me because my soul is what is truly worn out. I feel like I’m suffocating, like I can’t breathe and the world around me is caving in. I feel as though it would be so easy to give up now. Im sorry for even saying that. I know I’m supposed to remain strong but I miss myself. I miss Kaylen. I miss smiling. I miss being happy. I miss loving anything that isn’t sleep. I miss living and not just surviving another day. I wish I never would’ve woken up in this body. I wish I could’ve been swept away by death and not to have woken up in agonizing pain, and in a body and world I don’t know anymore. I wish I didn’t love so hard, I wish I could snap my fingers and change everything…

But seriously what good is it to wish and hope for things that are impossible and inconceivable. There is NO good in it. I have really had to dive deep into my soul and find out who I am and what I am made of. It has NOT been fun or easy but what in life is. I have realized no matter what happens or has happened I have to continue to trust and rely on my faith. Even if it is hard because my trust in the past has been shattered I know He won’t break His promises to me. Once again I must be patient. I will just have to allow everything to evolve in the time it needs. Thy will be done.. Right? I think it takes courage to endure the sharp pains of self discovery. It’s not an easy road to go down. It would’ve been much easier to take the path of dull pain of unconsciousness and let others define me and allow doctors to tell me what I could or couldn’t accomplish but I choose to be conscious in my life. I want to be in charge of myself and my accomplishments.

I will continue to move forward headstrong even when I am scared, I will just do it anyways. I’ve gotten good at that. I have had to learn to stop agreeing with the lies of the enemy and start fighting by believing in the promises of God. It’s not always easy because the devil is a tricky snake. He knows when you are weak and where to attack you, but if you remain headstrong in your faith (whatever that may be) then you will be good. It will still be hard as Hell but you will have your roots planted firmly in your faith and when that happens there is no reason to fear the wind. Just breathe. This journey of transformation and recovery won’t be easy but I promise it will be worth it.

Life would be quite tragic if I wasn’t able to find the humor in it. It’s funny how God works. He has my mother decide it would be “safer” to take our cars to the lake and not ride our bicycles over like we originally planned and well.. I think we can all agree that didn’t turn out so well. But, silver lining, I lived so now I can see the humor. God has had his hands very much in my life over the past few years and He has been testing me. I believe I past most of my tests right away but some he kept throwing at me again and again because I wasn’t seeing what He wanted me too. So unfortunately for me that meant he had to up the ante. The test I kept failing was I would blindly except the criticism and judgment of the one I loved most, the one I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, and I wouldn’t speak up for myself because I thought he really loved me and had my best intentions at heart. I thought he wouldn’t be saying that stuff unless it was true. I let this person try to define me. A.) because I was so confused and lost as to what was really going on in my “new” life B.) because he had been there from the beginning, so he was a part of my “new” world. I trusted him and I attached to him. He had been apart of almost every memory I could remember since I got home. I didn’t know this life without him.. So why shouldn’t I have believed him? and C.) because I deep down believed what he was saying because I had already been left by friends. And family wasn’t supporting me or checking up on me.

So I figured I had to be the reason why all this happened and all the criticism must be true. But then one day I was told I was “weak & pathetic” and my boundaries were once again not respected. Because my “No” wasn’t respected the fractures in my hip and pelvis were broken again. After this day and the years that followed I finally passed my test. After being lied to repeatedly, continuously told how “weak and pathetic” I was and not being respected it finally just clicked. “What the hell am I doing? Why am I allowing this? “Look at what you have accomplished so far.. You relearned to speak, think, walk, swallow, dress, read, write, etc.. And not only that YOU survived the impossible.” On this day I promised myself I am DONE hiding. It is my time.

Stepping into the light:

Majority of my problems and stress have come from the fact I hid my smile, pretended everything was fine and lost my voice so I could keep things calm and ultimately I hid myself. I hid who I was and just functioned like a robot and did what I was told so I wasn’t met with ferocious anger. But I have decided I have silenced the song within me for long enough. Actually I didn’t make that choice for myself, my song started to emerge from my very skin. I denied myself so much that my world inside was a crumbling mess. I have stopped hiding and I can’t express how amazing it is. I am blown away as to how easy it has been to live after I made that promise to myself. Living has become natural again. Life is becoming joyful. The dark clouds of pain and misery are moving out and all I can see now is opportunity. Being ME is no longer a problem. If it ever starts to be a problem again I know how to walk away, I know what I deserve and I know I will survive. They didn’t teach me this stuff in rehab or the hospital when they were showing me how to live again. Real living is about unhiding.

My mission now is to find peace with exactly who and what I am. To take pride in my thoughts and flaws. To relearn how to love my appearance and not see only the flaws that have been pointed out to me. And to stop this incessant worrying that I can’t be loved as I am. I learned the reason nothing is “fixing me” is because I’m not broken. I have a unique way of doing things or thinking now but I am most definitely not broken. The first place we start to lose any battle is with our own thinking. If you think you’ve reached your limits then you have. If you think you will never get well then you won’t. You need to change your thinking. You need to see everything that is holding you back, every obstacle and every limitation as temporary. At some point you have to let go of what you thought would happen or what you were promised and you have to start living in what is happening now.

What is happening now for me is pieces are being orchestrated and put together for the future I have always wanted. It is truly breathtaking to watch as the pieces start to come together. Always keep a grateful heart because it is a magnet for miracles.. Trust me I can vouch for it. I have lightning in my heart and chaos in my bones as I continue to move forward on the hunt for who I have not yet become. There is no reset button in life. You can’t take anything back and you can’t undo anything. All of your actions have consequences. The things you say and do today will have a lasting impact on your life. You have to understand this so that way you will make the best decisions for yourself. You are all you have. If you don’t look out for yourself then nobody else will. Is this the life you want to live? Is this the person you want to love? Can you be happier? You decide.