Why? Seriously why?! Why has all this happened? I know I’m not supposed to question God but I just need answers. I know I’m supposed to be a good little solider and keep marching on and not question His plan for me, but how much am I meant to go through. I have always been a good solider. I have kept my head down and followed the path He has given me without question but I’m growing tired. The feelings of uncertainty, emptiness and hopelessness are slowly taking over me. I could easily handle this storm if all it consisted of was physical pain. Nobody ever tells you or could accurately explain to you how much the mental and emotional pain starts to destroy your soul. I would gladly go through the wreck everyday for 10-20 years, if it would allow me to bypass the mental and emotional pain. Even if I was only able to bypass a little bit of that pain I would still gladly take the deal. Do you know what it’s like to feel as though you have been completely gutted like a fish? To be held hostage by a “stranger” that now controls your brain and body? Do you have any idea what it’s like to have to grieve for someone who is still alive? To wake up in a body that doesn’t welcome you? I do.
I’m tired of being constantly exhausted. No amount of sleep will be able to recharge me because my soul is what is truly worn out. I feel like I’m suffocating, like I can’t breathe and the world around me is caving in. I feel as though it would be so easy to give up now. Im sorry for even saying that. I know I’m supposed to remain strong but I miss myself. I miss Kaylen. I miss smiling. I miss being happy. I miss loving anything that isn’t sleep. I miss living and not just surviving another day. I wish I never would’ve woken up in this body. I wish I could’ve been swept away by death and not to have woken up in agonizing pain, and in a body and world I don’t know anymore. I wish I didn’t love so hard, I wish I could snap my fingers and change everything…
But seriously what good is it to wish and hope for things that are impossible and inconceivable. There is NO good in it. I have really had to dive deep into my soul and find out who I am and what I am made of. It has NOT been fun or easy but what in life is. I have realized no matter what happens or has happened I have to continue to trust and rely on my faith. Even if it is hard because my trust in the past has been shattered I know He won’t break His promises to me. Once again I must be patient. I will just have to allow everything to evolve in the time it needs. Thy will be done.. Right? I think it takes courage to endure the sharp pains of self discovery. It’s not an easy road to go down. It would’ve been much easier to take the path of dull pain of unconsciousness and let others define me and allow doctors to tell me what I could or couldn’t accomplish but I choose to be conscious in my life. I want to be in charge of myself and my accomplishments.
I will continue to move forward headstrong even when I am scared, I will just do it anyways. I’ve gotten good at that. I have had to learn to stop agreeing with the lies of the enemy and start fighting by believing in the promises of God. It’s not always easy because the devil is a tricky snake. He knows when you are weak and where to attack you, but if you remain headstrong in your faith (whatever that may be) then you will be good. It will still be hard as Hell but you will have your roots planted firmly in your faith and when that happens there is no reason to fear the wind. Just breathe. This journey of transformation and recovery won’t be easy but I promise it will be worth it.