Discovering my inner self..

Emptiness and uncertainty are probably two of the worst feelings and I feel both all the time. It’s a horrible feeling when you feel don’t belong in your own body. I woke up to a brand new world and unfortunately that “new” world for me was full of emotional and physical pain. I was abandoned by friends. And my family wasn’t there to fully support me the way I needed so I was left alone to deal with everything.

But then I made a friend. This friend turned into my best friend and safety blanket. They kept me in touch with life and what being a 23-27 year old was supposed to be like. They were my most trusted confidant. They witnessed me at my weakest and watched me struggle daily. They promised to always be there for me and I fully believed in them. But I was wrong. Have you ever had to watch your life crumble before your very eyes? Have you ever been told the truth and it feels as if the earth is cracking under your feet? Have you ever felt completely and utterly alone? I have. The truth will set you free but it will hurt like hell before it does.
Having your life crumble before you and not be able to do anything to fix it is something I would never wish on my worst enemy. What are words if you don’t truly mean them when you say them? What’s the point of empty promises? There is none. It’s just wasted air and wasted trust. I thought I had someone who would always have my back yet when I turn around now all I have is my shadow. I guess that’s all I ever had but I was too blind to see it before now. It’s extremely hard for me to lose something that was such a constant in my life because I have already had so much taken. It causes my PTSD to flare up and my panic and anxiety to be at an all time high. For me losing this person who was and had become apart of my “new” world was an incredible loss but then to add on top of that the betrayal of my trust and the misuse of my memory loss.. The pain was unimaginable.

What you do is far greater than what you say. I was told this many times by my grandfather. He used to always give me words of advice and life lessons. So after being left with nothing and feeling completely alone. I decided to look up to God and to look within myself to find my reserved strength. I didn’t believe I had any left but I did. I tapped into it and I opened my eyes and ears to God. I prayed for a peaceful mind. I tried to stop finding reason for why everything has happened the way it has and I prayed for strength. The strength I needed to hold my head high and continue on my path of recovery. My prayers were answered. God has reconnected me to my inner self.

After the wreck I was completely detached. My heart, mind and soul were all separate entities, but with Gods help he has slowly reconnected them so I’m now whole. I have been made new in His eyes. I now feel welcomed in my body and I feel like I have a reason and purpose for being here. I am slowly finding that reason and it is truly amazing to watch Gods work happen right before my eyes. So many great opportunities and people who have come into my life and I believe it’s all a part of Gods plan for me. There is a reason why I suffered, there is a reason why I have been through so much emotional and physical pain. I now believe it is to help others.

Before my wreck I graduated from SWOSU and I majored in psychology. The Friday before my wreck, Monday morning, I was accepted into graduate school to further my passion and goal of becoming a psychologist. I have always wanted to help others and to ease their pain while they are struggling. I think I am a natural nurturer and caretaker. But now I plan on continuing my passion but just in a tad different way, for now. I’m going to use my story and struggles to help others. To help people who are struggling with anything realize you can still have hope. Even if you have watched your world crumble before you or if you have trouble dealing with anxiety/depression you still have hope.

Tomorrow is a new day and if you change your mindset and think of all the obstacles before you as challenges and opportunities for you to prevail then you can do it. Hope is always rising. You can honestly find the silver lining in every bad situation it’s just up to you to decide if you really want to get better or if you have become comfortable and accustomed to the pain and struggle. And that is perfectly normal but one day you will look back and regret not taking the chance to get better. We all deserve the pursuit to happiness. Even if you don’t find exactly what you are looking for you can be proud of the fact that you tried. We only have this one life don’t waste it.


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