Joy runs deeper than despair

Forgiveness. Seems simple enough but it is so much more complicated than you can imagine. How do you forgive someone for lying to you? How do you forgive someone for potentially putting your recovery at risk? How do you forgive someone for mistreating you? For using you when you were relearning life? Well for me it was actually quite easy. I have a huge heart and I love extremely hard. So once I let you in you are safe with me. But at the same time that’s what made the betrayal so much worse. Because I had let them in and they knew everything I was going through. Yet they still didn’t think twice before pushing me to the brink.

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But I am a forgiver. I will always see the good in the people I love no matter how obvious it is to others that they aren’t and their intentions aren’t good and were never good. It wasn’t until I heard the earth shattering truth and saw my world crumble before me as I stood and watched that I could finally believe the actually truth and reality of my situation. Its crazy how you can love a person who you never really knew. I loved this person for who they pretended to be and for what they were to me during my recovery. I will always love that person who I honestly never knew or met. It was just a mirage that was put in front of me. I loved them in a way they will never understand.. But it wasn’t until that moment that I had no other choice but to walk away and try to mend what was left of my tattered heart.

The process of forgiveness:

The hardest struggle is how do I forgive myself? How do I forgive myself for allowing this? For not seeing it? For believing this person over everyone else? For putting my life in someone else’s hands? There is a saying that having children is like having your heart roam outside of your body.. Or something like that. But that’s exactly how it was for me. I gave this person my heart and trusted them with it. I gave them my memories to hold on to for me because I knew I would forget. They are one of the only ones who knows everything. Honestly probably knows more than I do about myself because I have forgotten so much but I was ok with this because I thought how amazing it was to have someone who was going to be with me forever and always be able to remind me of what I went through or remind me of the days in therapy when I was a lunatic and freaked out about a board game timer going off. But now I have been faced with the harsh reality.

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That “fairytale” that was given to me was never real. I was nothing to them. Let me reiterate that.. I was nothing to them because who could honestly betray, lie and misuse someone’s memories if they really cared for you. This is just part of the truth I have had to accept and trust me there has been a lot that I have had to swallow. It has been harder to get through than anything that I have had to endure from the wreck BUT it has set me free. I have accepted I will never get answers but that’s ok. I have started to create my own life and by doing so I have had many wonderful people and opportunities come into my life.

Embracing my new reality:

I am now on a mission to be the best I can be. I want to be the best version of myself and I think I am on the right path. I am trying to get things done with my brain. I no longer have patience for certain things, not because I have become arrogant, but simply because I have reached a point in my life where I don’t want to waste my time on things that displease me or hurt me. I no longer spend a single minute on those who lie or want to manipulate.

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I have now seen what I can accomplish. I have seen how I can fulfill my passion of helping others and utilize my struggle to help ease somebody else’s. I have heard God’s promise to me and I will remain patient. I KNOW wonderful things are awaiting me once I get through the last part of my storm. I know I will still have my dream future, it will just be altered a bit from the former image I had in my mind.

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I have learned that there are moments or times in our life that are either home, holiday or hell. Well I have certainly been through the hell part of my life and I believe am now going through the holiday part. With everything that is unfolding right now I can’t wait to be on my journey home.

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