There comes a time in many people’s lives where they fall victim to some injustice. The past four years of my life through my recovery could easily be described as problematic. Nothing has gone right or smoothly for me. Even when I thought I had found the major silver lining from my wreck it turned out to be nothing more than a painful life lesson. I can’t say it was good but I believe it was definitely a life lesson I needed. It truly opened my eyes to what I was allowing and taught me about love. I now know from my past experiences what love is not. So many life lessons have been crammed into such a short amount of time.. Promises have been broken, heartache, betrayal, abandonment, confusion, pain and relearning life.. But I have learned life still goes on. The sun will come out tomorrow. I don’t have the best memory anymore but it’s crazy for me to think back on what I have been through and what I have survived. There were many times when I thought my life was over and nothing was going to get better. Luckily I was wrong.
When I woke up from my coma in the hospital, that was just the beginning of my many awakenings. I was then in a walking coma. I could have conversations with you (although from what I have been told I was quite the chatty Kathy and talking gibberish) but I wasn’t there. I looked as if I were but I, Kaylen, was still asleep. Because of my severe traumatic brain injury I woke up as a newborn. When I first started talking I had the same voice as when I was 2-3 years old. All I wanted to do was go play in the sandbox. I made my mother promise me, as I laid in my ice baths, that she would take me to play. I had to have these ice baths to keep my temperature down while I was battling pneumonia. I couldn’t get any worse because of my physical/mental state and the fact I had a collapsed lung.
June 11, 2012, is now my new birthday. So technically as of today I am four years old. I have worked very hard to get to my 4 year birthday. Because I woke up from one coma and instantly was transferred into a different type, my walking coma, I functioned on a very concrete literal level. I was very trusting of those who were first brought into my life. If you told me something I believed you without question. I was in need of a friend at the beginning of my recovery. I was extremely confused by the abandonment of those who I loved most and I needed a friend. Which I found.. Or thought I had. This person was my person. They were my best friend and trusted confidant. I remember I used to talk to this person every night before I went to bed. It was part of my routine. I couldn’t sleep if I hadn’t talked to them.. Well honestly I couldn’t sleep at all because of my brain injury but at least they could put my mind at peace. It’s funny how the people who betray you and hurt you the most are never your enemies. It’s almost always the ones who say they would take a bullet for you that end up being the one pulling the trigger.
Discovering the truth:
After 4 years of fighting my way back to a normal baseline I have woken up again. Times have changed for me. I have been slapped awake from the lies I had been fed and I am rediscovering myself and the world. I have become smarter about situations and why I allowed and accepted such bad behavior from those I loved. I have learned many truths, some have been quite painful but the majority have been life altering in the best way imaginable. One of these truths is realizing what I can accomplish through telling my story. I can continue to heal myself but also I can help others heal. I can help those who feel they are at rock bottom with no way out realize there is a way out. Sometimes you just have to be creative in how you decide to crawl back to the top.
Life consists not in holding good cards, but in playing those cards you do hold well. We all have to make the most of bad situations. Doesn’t matter how bad you may have it or how bad your struggle is, it still affects you and your outlook on life. There is no degree for pain or struggle. Pain affects each and everyone of us differently. Respect that. No body has the right to condemn you for how you decide to go about healing your heart, body and soul. I would like to say we all deserve honesty, happiness, appreciation and loyalty BUT like the great Clint Eastwood says “Deserving ain’t got nothing to do with it kid.” He’s right. We only deserve the right to pursue those things. Go out and fight for yourself. Pursue what makes you happy and find your purpose/passion for this life. There is one thing we all deserve and that is love. Real love. Go out and find that for yourself and never settle for less.
One thought on “Vulnerability heals”
Each of your posts are just so inspiring to me! Thank you for sharing your experiences, pictures and artwork, too.
I had been curious about your language development after TBI, and you explained what it was like…starting with simple, straightforward sentences as a toddler might use if I understand correctly? It is Incredible and Amazing that from that moment forward your language development jumped and leapt forward to how you write (and speak, I assume 🙂 ) today. Your brain has been working so hard, establishing and even re-establishing connections to do that. I am in awe!