One day it just clicked for me. I realized what’s important and what’s not. I came to terms with the fact that my wreck and injuries don’t define me. I am not a “weirdo or difficult” like I have been told. I desire love but not any “love” I deserve the real thing by someone who truly loves me and wants to be with me. Not the “love” that what’s to hurt, control and use. Just because I have my issues and PTSD doesn’t mean I can’t be fun or can’t do fun activities I just have to have the time to mentally prepare for whatever activity it is. Yes I know lame but unfortunately it’s what I have to do now. I hate it just as much as anyone else. It’s extremely frustrating and it leaves me feeling ostracized. After awhile I have had to learn the hard way to care less about what others think. Let me remind you I am a completely “new” person. This world is very new to me and I am basically a new born. Anyone who was there when I woke up, and was there when I started to really have my awakenings, they were/are very important and crucial to me and my well being. I fully trusted them.
I was unfortunately taken advantage of during my time of recovery. I had someone come into my life claiming to be my “knight in shining armor” and profess their love for me and how they had always been in love with me during college. They were very good. This person promised me the world.. Marriage, children, and a happy future. Had wedding dresses and rings picked out, messed around with writing wedding vows and even scheduled OBGYN appointments so we could start planning our happy little family. Had children names picked out and everything. Unfortunately for me they were all lies.
Unraveling the lies:
I gave everything and devoted more time than I should’ve to taking care of this person than I did myself. Gave them thousands of dollars (that came from my “blood money” from the wreck), I bought them groceries, scheduled and paid for appointments, found and got a house for them.. And that’s just to name a few of the materialistic things I did. I loved this person more than my own life. I loved this person in a way they will never understand. I saw all their dark corners and rough edges. I loved them unconditionally. I was in such a fog from my brain injury and I had already been left and told that “it was easier to think of me as dead. And just to remember my memory because they know I’m struggling.” by friends and family so this person was my everything. I trusted them with my life… Foolishly.
The final stage.. Agony:
I can’t even describe to you the pain when I found out they had NEVER been faithful and we’re having their own play family behind my back when they were still “with” me and I was in the process of getting US a house, his pit bull and going to OBGYN appointments. This person still got their house and dog.. And I was left with a shattered heart and dream. I was left with nothing except blank space. I was cut off with no words. I was left feeling like an object to be used. I was ghosted. Am I really that insignificant? Do I really not matter? Does my severe traumatic brain injury really make me nothing? Am I truly unworthy?
I only tell you this story so you can realize I have been through SO much since June 11, 2012. Heartbreak, deaths, loss of friends, and during this roller coaster of pain I have had to relearn EVERYTHING. I’ve come to realize I have to care about myself. I have to care about what I think because that is truly what matters. Words are like life or death. I can bring life or death to myself. I am very critical and hard on myself so I used to only speak death but now I’m speaking life and it has changed my world immensely. I have taken a step back and realized how far I have come. There were obstacles along my path that were supposed to destroy me. I thought I would never recover from them but I have recovered. Those obstacles have made me into a much stronger and loving person.
Today I am all smiles (if you know me that says a lot because I rarely smile 😃) I smile because I am truly proud of myself and the person I fought to become. The salt in my wounds isn’t burning anymore, not because I don’t feel pain but because I am not afraid to hurt anymore. Once you take away fear you can do anything. Look fear in the eye and say “Whats next?..” No matter what you are going through never hang your head. Just remember to take a step back, take a deep breath and realize you can do it. If I can survive what doctors said was impossible than trust me you can too. Believe in yourself. The belief you can is the greatest gift you can give yourself.