The unforeseeable

Life is unpredictable. Four years ago I had just graduated college and been accepted into graduate school. I thought I had everything figured out. Except I didn’t. Then after my wreck and I slowly started to recover, I once again thought I had everything figured out. Thought I had found the silver lining and the reason for my wreck, thought I had my future husband and family right in front of me.. But once again I was proven wrong. Life is truly funny. Just when you think everything is finally going to plan and you are feeling comfortable, life comes along and shatters your pretty picture and shines a light on all the lies. BUT even after our heartbreaks and hardships life still goes on.

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Life has proven to me that you can’t take anything for granted. Nothing in this life is guaranteed. Life is simply unpredictable. I finally feel like I am on the path I am meant to be. Even though I feel I am on the right path, I still constantly worry about everything.. Am I enough, am I doing the right thing, is my appearance good enough, am I still lovable, where do I fit in, do I belong, am I stupid..? I have been feed too many lies and I have been through hell, so it’s only natural I start to question everything. Every word, every action and every promise. But then one day I stopped. I decided I have spent too much time worrying and overthinking. I don’t need to question anything because I know He already knows my future and it is up to me to make the most of the obstacles that are on my path. Because those obstacles have been specifically put there for me to overcome. By overcoming these obstacles it furthers the process of molding me into the person He needs me to be to accomplish my purpose for this life.

Accepting myself:

A few years after my wreck I started to go to a traumatic brain injury support group. This was one of the hardest steps on my path to recovery. It was incredibly hard to hear others stories and then have to tell mine and relive everything all over again. Even though it was one of the hardest steps it was probably the best step I could’ve taken. It helped me see all the lies I had been made to believe. I am not a freak, I am not weak and I am not stupid because of my cognitive mess ups. It gave me a sense of belonging. The man who is in charge of the meetings was asked one time “how do you explain to others when they ask you what it’s like to be different? Or how do you explain feeling like an outcast.” He stopped smiled and said “I know what I have been through and until they have gone through the pits of Hell like I have, they can judge me or look at me differently all they want. I know what I have survived and what I fought so hard to come back from. I know I am not an outcast and if they choose to look at me that way then I don’t need them.”

The everyday war:

Every day for me is a battle. A battle to forget, forgive, fight the nightmares and the PTSD “monster” that is constantly waiting to attack. But even though I have to fight each day, it is still a day that I shouldn’t have. I am grateful for my battles because I shouldn’t be alive to fight them. We all have our own battles or monsters we fight every day. It is up to us on how we choose to fight for our tomorrow. We only have one life to live and it is up to us to make the most of it. “A penguin can not be a giraffe, so just be the best penguin you can be.” Stop worrying about pleasing others. Ask yourself if you are content or happy with who you are? If you aren’t then find the solution you need to fix your problem.

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I have a hard time now, after my brain injury, with shallow, surface conversation. I want to dive deep into people or whatever interests me. I want to know the deeper meaning behind everything. I have experienced a lot of unexplainable things over the past four years, the first would be “how the heck am I still here?” There is no logical explanation for that question. Only He knows why he kept me around and now I am looking for the deeper meaning. The path of self discovery is a lonely walk but it will make you stronger. And one day you will slowly start to set fire to everything you thought was and in these flames you will discover who you are. You can’t change your past so focus on making a great future.

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