Making amends

Sorry. Seems like a simple word but it’s not. I’ve waited and hoped to hear sorry from some people but once a certain amount of time has gone by what does sorry mean? Sorry I lied, sorry I haven’t been there for you, sorry I ran the red light and changed your life forever.. After days, months, years go by these apologies lose all sincerity. I am a forgiver. I have a huge heart and a desire to make everyone happy, especially now after the wreck. I need and want peace so I can be in a calm environment so my PTSD doesn’t go crazy. Too much emotion or conflict is chaotic for me and overwhelms me. The saddest souls always want to make others happy because they know what it’s like to feel unwanted and unhappy. This is very true. I have been through so much in such a short amount of time. I think I have probably aged 15-20 years but (silver lining 😃) during this time I have gained so much life wisdom.

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During this time of my own pain and sadness, I still want to make others happy or to make sure they are taken care of because once I have let you see the real me.. The one who forgets something right after you told her, the one who mistakes geese for rocks, the one who turns into a 5 year old over Jurassic park and Pocahontas or the one who has a complete melt down during a movie because the sound is too much. You will have a special place in my heart. I have said so many “I’m sorry or Its ok I understand” to those who have deeply hurt me and still been left empty that I finally learned to stop waiting for others to come around and take responsibility. This is my time and I am not going to waste any more of my life waiting or hoping for something to happen. I am going to make it happen.

The unknown:

Many are scared of the unknown, so therefore they stay away and don’t deal with it. I am now the unknown. Traumatic brain injuries are tricky, they are all different. Just because someone looks normal, talks normal and wears a smile doesn’t mean they aren’t suffering on the inside. Family friends have said “that I look perfectly fine” but then they witness me in therapy not being able to put four letters together to make a word, they see me have a panic attack over the sound of clanging silverware or they see me after someone has stopped by the house and I am left exhausted because I had to maintain focus during the entire time of their stay. Once you see behind the curtain of a brain injury you will get a better understanding. Don’t be scared to look behind the curtain. Don’t let your own feelings get in the way of helping or being there for the person who is truly scared because their life has been altered and changed forever. Instead be there for them and help them through the relearning process of life.

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I am lucky to have had a select few be there for me in that way. If I wouldn’t have had them I’m not sure I would have been able to come this far in my recovery. Everyone needs unconditional love and support. Be the helping hand for someone or the shoulder they need when it all becomes to much and they are having a break down. I have learned to take pride in my beautifully broken self. I have pieced myself back together from nothing. No my pieces don’t all match up, so you can still see some of my cracks but please don’t judge the cracks you still see. We are all made beautiful by our imperfections. Without these cracks I wouldn’t be me and after what I have gone through I am very proud to still have my visible cracks. I know the effort that I have put into making myself whole again and if you can’t see the beauty in that then that’s ok. My heart is hatching and shedding the shell of who I once was, I believe now is my rebirth. It’s my time to fly.

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