I think I am slowly starting to unravel. I have tried to stay strong and hold it together for so long, but now the strings that have been holding me together are unraveling. My attention span is non existent. Memories and flashbacks keep whizzing by me like bullets. I am trapped. I am trapped in the prison inside my head. I can’t stop crying. No matter what I do I can’t stop my tear ducts from producing tears. I think my heart and soul are crying for me. I have disconnected from myself. I have tried to shut off my feelings and emotions because it is all TOO MUCH. How much can a human take? How much can a soul take? How many times can a heart be broken and still keep beating?
Feelings of uncertainty and emptiness are my constant companions. I think I am slowly going crazy. How do I escape this prison? How do I stop the flashbacks and memories? How do I simply stop loving those who have deeply hurt me? So many unanswered questions screaming in my head every minute of every day. I am so lost. Where do I go from here? The unfortunate answer is.. I don’t know. I am so tired of grieving. I have been grieving for four years. I have had to try to come to terms with the death of the old Kaylen since waking up at OU medical but really since the days at Jim Thorpe when I was told over and over everyday the HARSH truth which was my “new” reality. My “new” reality with this “stranger” that now resides in my body and my mind. The “stranger” that I have no control over. The “new” reality which consists of no memories from before June 11, 2012. My “new” reality of constantly feeling like a burden and invisible to the ones I love most. I AM STILL HERE!! I want to scream this at the top of my lungs. I WANT to be noticed. I want to be seen… Really seen. I want someone to look me in the eyes and see the agony that lives inside my body. I want someone to hold my hand and feel the pain that resides deep inside my bones. I want someone to place their hand on my chest where my heart is and feel the ache that is left there from those who have repeatedly broke my heart and left it in pieces.
The silent pain:
I am half agony and half hope. The worst type of pain is the silent pain. The silent crying while everyone is asleep or while you are taking a shower so no one can hear you. The pain where you just want to scream.. But you don’t. You must keep your composure and hold it together because you fear if you don’t you won’t be able to continue moving forward. You’re scared that if you truly allow yourself to feel that you won’t be able to pick yourself up off the floor because the emotional pain would be too much. I hate having to keep quiet. I hate being constantly torn between grace and violence. I hate holding my breath and biting my lip when I feel the tears coming. Its too much.. Its all too much.
If my teardrops could be collected and tell the story that lives inside me, the one I can’t tell yet because it is too painful, you would slowly start to get a sense of this prison I live in. I’m tired of answering “Nothing” when someone asks me what’s wrong. But when I try to find the words to express what is really wrong, I can’t find them. The right words vanish and turn to dust, so I’m left with the simple answer of “Nothing” I don’t know how to fix myself. I have tried so many different ways but I think the parts of me that truly need fixing are my heart and soul. But how can I fix that? How can I repair my tattered heart? How can I heal my soul when pieces of it have been taken or left behind so I can survive the day to day?
I hate the raging fire that gets triggered in my stomach when I start to feel sad. My sadness triggers so many unwanted memories and flashbacks that the only response or emotion I know how to give off is anger. Because honestly a lot of my sadness is really just me being extremely hurt. I have been damaged by those I love most. I have been abandoned, rejected, betrayed, and lied to by the ones who said they would always be there for me or the ones who have the same blood as me running through their veins. It’s embarrassing to admit but I can’t remember the last time I felt good about myself.. Or even liked myself.
But I have learned how to survive. I AM a survivor. I could have easily given up years ago but I haven’t. I have learned sometimes you have to have your world ripped out from under you so you can see everything with a new perspective. Sometimes you must fall so you can learn to fly. The Lord says do not be afraid for I am always with you. Don’t be discouraged because this fight is not for you to fight alone. I have learned first hand that God is greater than the obstacles I have had to face here on earth. Over the past four years I have been trying to fill my mind with Gods words so there will be no room for Satan’s lies. But the devil is a tricky one, he knows exactly when and where to attack. But I am holding on to hope because I know He is forever faithful. I know there is a reason for everything that has happened and I am slowly starting to see His plan for me unfold. I am starting to see Him mold me and show me daily the areas I need to improve upon. The pains you feel are messengers. Listen to them. He blesses and protects everyone who runs to Him. Sometimes the most difficult time in your life may be the border to your promised land.