One of the most frustrating things that I have had to do during my recovery is trying to sift through memories. Going back to the beginning and trying to get all the memories I still retain and put them in chronological order. Then once I do that try to remember if these memories were real or were they apart of my many hallucinations. There are some “memories” that I’m fairly certain were hallucinations.. One was that a nurse was harvesting my blood. But I do remember telling my mother that and to find me another nurse because I wasn’t going to allow him to touch me again. But then there are some “memories” that I’m just not sure about.. I have a few from the time I was in OU that I was being touched inappropriately by nurses and then I have some from Jim Thorpe that are along the same line. What is so frustrating about all of this is who is to say what’s true and what’s not? Clearly I wasn’t in the right mental space so these could be hallucinations but what if they aren’t?.. I don’t know. It’s just an incredibly hard process trying to remember and keep everything in order. So much has happened.
There is one thing I know for certain though, no matter what has happened to me during my recovery I will not become bitter. I don’t have that right. I will not let the actions or inaction of people make me cold inside. No body can have that power over me. Although it would be quite easy to forfeit my power and play a pity party I do not have that right. That would be a slap in the face to every person who has stood by me on my road to recovery and it would be a huge slap in the face to God. He could have easily let me die five times but for some reason, that only he knows, he didn’t. He gave me the strength to fight and hold on. He gave me life. We’re all human. We break and we make mistakes but we can’t let our pain or sadness change us. It takes true strength to cry your eyes out and then once you are done pick yourself up off the floor and continue on like nothing ever happened. Don’t let anyone tell you crying is a sign of weakness because it is not. It is a cleansing process for our soul. We all need to cry and push our reset buttons so we can keep going.
There have been many moments were I have felt like giving up but I didn’t. I have struggled and fought through so much that it would be a dis justice to myself to let the struggle of relearning how to walk or learning how to think again stop me. The things that show your weak side will eventually show your strengths if you just push through and stay persistent. Life is all about taking the curve balls life throws at us and learning from them. Life isn’t about avoiding pain. It is about showing up and taking it on headstrong. It’s about getting the scars to prove that you weren’t scared. You were fearless. It takes a strong soul to endure the pain of life and to not get stuck in the pit of misery. It takes a resilient soul to claw their way out of the darkness and back into the light were your nightmares can turn into dreams. Where nothing can stop you if you don’t allow it.
Remember it’s all in your mind. You hold the power. I have suffered some losses I thought I would never come back from. One of the biggest happened in the beginning when I woke up and realized the old me was gone and I didn’t get to say goodbye. The old Kaylen took everything with her, all the memories and life lessons. I was left to start over with nothing and turns out it was the best thing to have ever happened to me. Never forget you hold the power. You have within you all the strength you need it’s just up to you to decide if you are mentally tough enough to take on the challenges before you. Hard times are often blessings in disguise. They are put before you to lead you down the path God has intended for you. Let go and let God take control. He knows where you are meant to be. Learn everything you can from your hard times. Knowledge gives you power. But never forsake your morals and values when you are going through hard times because knowledge may give you power but your character will get you respect. Stay humble and you will scare people because you are whole all by yourself.