One of the scariest thoughts for me is the thought of what happens now? Now that I am almost out of the pits of hell from my recovery, where do I go from here? How do I explain to the new people that come into my life my story or my issues? There is so much to explain about myself, will they be able to understand or will anyone still want to be around me once they find out? These thoughts terrify me because the one person who knew me better than I know myself had no problem leaving me, lying to me and betraying me. So why would anyone else want to stay? Once they experience my flashbacks, sensory issues, forgetfulness or my unfiltered anger will they still stand by my side or will they leave? Will anyone ever see the real me or will they always just see the girl with a severe traumatic brain injury? What path do I decide to take for my career? These are all questions I now have to start thinking about. Yes they are terrifying but they are also wonderful because I shouldn’t be alive. It is a miracle that I am still here. I should have died on June 11 but God decided that He wasn’t done with me here. Even so, the doctors never expected me to return back to this level of cognitive thinking but once again God intervened.
I think my biggest fear, as of today, is just that I will never fully be seen. Will anyone ever see the real me beneath my exterior and beneath the label of my injuries? Will anyone see that I actually do feel? That I am sensitive? I do have a soft side despite my tough exterior? I have been invisible for so long, that it would be nice to finally be seen. It would be nice for my opinion or voice to matter and be taken seriously. It would be nice to be respected as a person. I fear no one will ever take me seriously due to my brain injury and the fact that I am forgetful. I sometimes have the memory of a goldfish. Will I ever be enough?..
This may shock some who have only known the surface me from my past, but I do actually want kids. I would love to have my own family but now I don’t know if that is possible. Can I still have the dream future I have always wanted? I don’t know. My fear is with my PTSD and severe traumatic brain injury that it might be hard for me to be a parent now. Much less I don’t even know if someone could fully accept me and my issues to start a family with. Could somebody ever love someone so damaged and flawed? I don’t know. I once thought so but I was proven wrong. I am now open to new possibilities. I’m actually quite excited for the unknown in this area although it does terrify me.
The transformation process:
During my battle of recovery I have changed. Through my tragedy and brokenness I have been made whole. I am new person. I have a new outlook, new mindset and a new soul. I know I was kept here for a specific reason, and as of now I believe that reason is to help others heal by sharing my story and letting others who are struggling know they aren’t alone. They are not an outcast. But is that really my purpose or is there something else? Right now I plan on focusing on my passion of helping others. I want something good to come from my struggle. I now have a voice and I want to use it for good. I also want others to know just because they are at rock bottom they too still have a voice. Nobody or nothing has the right to take that from you. Everyone of us needs to know we matter. We are all here for a very specific purpose.
One thing I have learned and accepted on my journey is we all have moments when we feel like a lion, and we also all have moments when we feel like a mouse. But no matter how confident you feel or how scared you are, you still have a heartbeat and a soul. There is nothing anyone of us could do to make us unworthy of love. I know I have had my moments of feeling unlovable but HE showed me that HIS love is unconditional and we can all receive it. You have to learn how to roar, even when you feel small. Because you are so much more than your feelings. I have endured, I have known hardship and I have lost myself. But here I stand. From the beginning all the cards were stacked against me but I refused to bow down and give up. I chose to move forward headstrong. I will never forget the harsh life lessons I have learned along the way. They have made me stronger. Painful and unfair things happen to everyone. The difference is do you choose to dwell on it or learn from it. The choice is yours.