You took my identity and you tried to take my life. You took the simplest cognitive functions away from me and you stole my body. When I was broken down to nothing you tried to steal my soul. You killed a part of me and you demolished my dreams of the future. You injected confusion and self-doubt into my veins. You did this so seamlessly I began to believe the lies. You left me questioning my own sanity. I was left walking around aimlessly, like the walking dead. I am at war with my body and brain everyday. I now tiptoe through life trying to avoid the land mines of flashbacks and hateful memories. Every morning I try to wash off the residue of the day before so I can try to start over, but no matter how hard I scrub my skin the heavy words, memories, flashbacks and aching pain still remain. I’m starting to realize there is no reset button. I can not have a do over. This is it.
My mental state has been shaken to its core over the past four years. Everyday has been filled with confusion. I have had to relearn this “new” world twice now. I thought I had found my silver lining and I thought I had my life figured out but then I had everything taken from me and all the lies I had once believed revealed as nothing more than empty promises. Once the truth was revealed I was left crumbling to the ground. I was left once again confused and lost trying to figure out my “new” world. Do you have any idea what it’s like to try to do “routine” or “normal” things that you used to do before but now you simply can’t? Do you know what it is like to not know who you are anymore when you look in the mirror? To think you have found your way out of the fire multiple times, only to be left consumed by the flames? Hopeless and devastated I stopped and took a hard look at myself. I saw a lost girl who was broken but then I thought of how far I have come and I saw my new strengths I have acquired during my recovery. It was in this moment I found my inner power, so I wiped away my tears and picked myself up. I stood tall, faced forward and continued on.
Some people fear the fire and some simply become it. I had no choice but to become the fire that was trying to engulf me. I had to change, I was left no other option. Im not mourning the loss of myself anymore. I’m only grieving the thought that I could one day rescue my old self. Im mourning the ignorance of that thought but also relishing in the fact that I could never rescue my old self, nor did I need to. The seed that was planted in me the day of my wreck, when I was broken down to nothing was starting to flourish, and I am starting to see the tiny branches grow. In the depths of my despair and heartbreak I found myself, my “new” self. The one who learned to rise from the ashes. The one who has put herself back together piece by piece. We all have hidden seeds inside of us we just have to find them and learn what they need from us so they can grow.
Never giving up:
Life is full of disappointments, failures and setbacks. But none of these things can permanently stop you. We all have the power to overcome anything life throws at us. Nothing is as powerful as a made up mind. Don’t give up or cave in, tell yourself you will get through whatever it is you are going through, then just do it. Never stop believing in yourself. Whatever war you are fighting right now isn’t over until you win. Repeat that to yourself everyday, I did and still do. I also have it written on the mirror in my bathroom, along with many other positive affirmations. It may look odd when guests come over but it is what I need to do for myself to remind me my story is far from over. I made up my mind that nothing will overcome me and the only thing that has the power to defeat me is myself. Don’t wait for everything to be perfect before you to start to live and enjoy your life, you could be waiting forever. Start enjoying your life today. Be grateful for every moment because you never know when you could take your last breath.
The finest souls are the ones who have gulped pain but never made anyone else taste it. Instead, they walk through the flames of hell with buckets of water for those who are still consumed by the fire. At some point in time everything is going to go wrong in your life. When this time comes you can either accept what you are left with and learn to work with it.. Or you can give up. Never give up. Grab your bucket and learn to walk through the flames.