Healing comes in waves. Somedays it feels as though you are just beating yourself against the rocks but I have found out that’s ok, it’s still healing. My fear is that I will never be healed. I’ve come this far and I still have so much more to go. It’s an exhausting journey and one that feels as if it will never end. One of the hardest parts of my recovery is trying to recover while dealing with my PTSD. I swear I’m doing ok and I’m getting so much better. Then I don’t know what happens. Something goes wrong and I’m gasping for breath. I’m panicking and I can’t tell what’s real and what is a flashback. I don’t know when or how it happened but I’m losing my mind again. I think I’m missing a piece of myself so I slowly start to crumble. I awake from the terror and I’m left picking myself up off the floor. Once again piecing myself back together even though I know this will happen again because a piece of me is missing. A piece that I’m afraid I will never get back. Im having to learn to balance myself without it so I don’t fall apart anymore.
I’ve become self conscious. Can everyone see the bags under my eyes? Do they notice my eyes constantly darting around the room awaiting for something bad to happen? Do they see the “monster” within me? Am I doing a good enough job appearing happy? Is my smile genuine or do I need to fix it? Can they see I’m struggling on the inside? I hate this. The constant questions that are always in the forefront of my mind. Just so it’s no longer a secret.. I’m struggling. I struggle every minute of everyday. But I am a fighter I will be alright.
I know everything will heal eventually, it just takes a little time. My body will heal. My mind will heal as best it can. And my heart will heal. But for now I have to keep the wounds on my heart open. I have to dive into my wounds so I can understand my pain. I must be fearless in this process. I must feel the pain completely so that way these wounds will never surface again. I have to let the wounds on my heart air out until I finally understand the pain I am feeling. I’m learning to remain open so that I can feel lightness. I can’t shut out my light and I can not shut myself off to love. Once my wounds heal I know I will watch beauty pour into my open heart. My heart will be healed and beat even stronger than it did before. I will acquire new strength. My soul will repair itself and I will have gained new depth. I know my happiness will come back. Bad times don’t last forever. Always defend your right to heal at your own pace. You are allowed to take your time. Recovering takes time, and everyone heals at their own pace.
I try to keep my facade up so people can only see my strength because my ultimate fear is if I am vulnerable and open up to anyone again I will be abandoned and left with nothing. I can’t take anymore hurt. I am holding myself together by shear will and with the strength God has provided me. Not many have bothered to hold me close and tell me it’s okay not to be fine. I have been told the exact opposite. “You scare people, you’re weird, you need to step up to the plate, stop being pathetic..etc” trust me I get it I am the unknown so it is extremely easy to now categorize me as a freak. That’s ok. After what I have been through and survived I will gladly wave my freak flag because guess what? I’m alive and I shouldn’t be.
I take everyday head on. There is no other choice. I have breathed through my life up to this point as if I am walking across a battlefield trying to win the ultimate war. My one wish is that one day I will be able to live and not just survive. I want to finally cash in on my jackpot of getting a second chance at life and I want to live. I want to live a passionate and vibrant life. I just have to make it through the sludge of the moat before I can arrive to my final destination of the castle.