Who am I? Why do I cry? What is my purpose? My mind is at a loss. I feel I am stuck. I just want to go home where I can be safe. I’m not talking about my house, I’m talking about my home. Where I am meant to be. I need to go. I need to feel protected. There is too much happening. It’s madness. How am I supposed to figure myself out when I am constantly dodging land mines? How am I supposed to feel safe when the ones I love betray me? Who am I to trust? I need some consistency. I need to feel safe and secure again. I need to feel wanted by my own body and brain. If I don’t feel I belong in my own skin how am I supposed to venture out and find my purpose? Or figure out the greater meaning in this life? I don’t even know myself.
I’ve been lost in my injuries and recovery. I’ve only been able to focus on what is right in front of me. I can only handle things that will affect my immediate future. My brain can’t handle anything else or it will overload. I forget things so easily. I have no attention span. But I feel as though I am ready to try to start thinking of my long term future. I’m ready to know myself again. I want to define myself, and not have my injuries, past or issues define me. I am so much more than my brain injury. I know I still have a lot to offer. But what really defines a person? Is it my smile? Is it my struggle? My heart? My character? I don’t know but I am willing to fight to find out. You see the old Kaylen is still inside me. I see her every once in awhile when I look in the mirror. She is still there hidden in my eyes. I see her staring back at me smiling. Her voice is softer now but she is still in there. That is who I am fighting for. I am fighting for that little girl who still lives inside me and cries every night. She is waiting to emerge when it is safe so I will continue to fight and protect her. I have grown tired of fighting and pretending to be ok. It is now her time to emerge. I am ready to be Kaylen again.
This is a scary concept for me. I’m scared to be vulnerable and let down my guard. I feel I have to always protect myself. I’m extremely hypervigilant now after everything that has happened and because of my severe PTSD. I know what it’s like to be driving down the road and then to wake up a month later in a hospital not knowing anything. Anything can happen at anytime. That’s why I try to maintain control so I won’t be caught off guard but let’s be honest there is no such thing as control. I am also perfectly aware of that. But the monster within never sleeps. He is always roaming right beneath my skin. He peers through my smile. He is waiting and watching everything. He is waiting to lash out at anything he deems is a threat. I’m done trying to tame this beast. I’m done waiting for the world to end.
My world has already ended many times and began again in the morning. It’s time for me to let it all go. I will never be fully released of my injuries but that’s ok. I have had to fight like hell to get me where I am, and fighting like hell has molded me into the woman I am today. I know there is a greater reason for my struggle and it is up to me to keep fighting everyday to find my greater purpose. God brought me to and got me out of that intersection on June 11 and I know He will get me through whatever I am going through. I feel as if I am now ready to be set free. Free of my mistakes, fears, worries, heartaches and doubt. I am a bird set free. I don’t belong to anyone or anything. I am learning to find love within myself. I am becoming complete on my own. I am freeing myself of all my criticisms. It is time for me to give myself some slack. I may not know how to fly but I know where there is a ladder. And I am ready to climb. I am on the search for the truth. It’s time to be happy again. I am taking a deep breath, dusting myself off and daring to begin again.