Just going through the motions. I see and hear what is going on around me but I am not there. Do you know what it’s like to physical be somewhere but at the same time you are a million miles away? When I disconnect I, Kaylen Woosley, am gone. It’s like I’m floating above myself witnessing what is going on but my body is just left there going through the motions with a smile. This can be brought on by a sound or sometimes it’s just too much stimulation and I need to escape. When it is brought on by a sound or light then that’s when my PTSD monster takes over. It’s time for me to take shelter. I go into my bomb shelter within my mind and stay there until the flashbacks are over. This can take anywhere from 10-15 minutes to hours. It’s completely random as to which flashback will haunt me and want to keep me locked up. The thing I hate most about this is the fact that I am left wishing and hoping time will pass by fast. I wake up already on edge and in survival mode and I never leave that mode for the entire day.
I’m terrified to relax and honestly I don’t even think I know how to relax anymore. Checking my watch or phone to see how much time has passed.. Ok good an hour down, oh thank God the mornings over, oh no darkness is setting in, ok well now it’s time to wind down and then the dread of now it’s time to sleep and try to stay asleep. Ugh it is exhausting. This is no way to live but unfortunately this is my “life”. Constantly terrified and worried of the unknown. So much has happened to me out of no where that I can’t be positive about anything. Just because something sounds good and feels good doesn’t mean it is good or it doesn’t mean that you can’t be sideswiped out of nowhere. This I have learned the hard way. I mean all I had left to do was get through that intersection. That’s like what?.. 10-20 yards. But nope God had another plan.
Weathering the storm:
I refuse to give up. I refuse to quit. That is just not in my genetic makeup. Even though each day is an obstacle within itself I choose to tackle it. I choose to take it on because once I do that’s one less day standing in my way and it’s another day that has made me stronger. It’s another day I get to look my PTSD monster in the eye and say “Better luck next time.” A strong soul shines after every storm. I believe that while battling and weathering my storm, I have increased the fire within me. I am no longer fearful of others seeing my cracks because that is the only way they will be able to see that light. I have fought hard to become this person and to flourish my flame. I have gone too long thinking I am worthless. I have gone too long holding high the opinions of those I loved over my own. Now it is my time. I have done lots of soul searching and I have come to terms with myself. I have read multiple books on bettering myself and to help me become the woman I want to be.
Beauty can be seen in all things. No matter how damaged you think you are, you are still beautiful. Seeing the beauty in something is all in the eye of the beholder. Change your view and perspective and I promise you it will change your life. Look for the beauty in things not the flaws. Speak life to others not death. If I would’ve known the freedom of letting go I wouldn’t have held on so tight for so long. Loosen your grip on life and give God control. You deserve the love you keep giving others. Take a step back and let that same love come back to you. Just breathe.