See me

You think and say that I look normal. You act like if I tried hard enough I could still be just the same. But what you don’t realize is I never will be the Kaylen Woosley again that you knew for 23 years and I am perfectly fine with that. Actually I am more proud to be the person I am today because I have fought like hell to become her. Yes I have my flaws and things I still need to work on but I have new depths to my soul. What you need to realize is your unrealistic expectations of trying to accept the new me, puts so much more pressure and demands on me and it has also made me very aware this is no game. Don’t misunderstand that I am not grateful or immensely thankful because I am. I am very aware that my disability could be much worse and that it is literally a miracle that I am still here. But please don’t ask me to pretend it is easy or ask me to try and minimize. Because today, my life, my losses, my reality, feels very much like a curse. Someday I am sure I will have the ability to let go of this incredible pain. But unfortunately right now it has to be handled my way, in my time frame and not the way you would like me to handle it. For that I am sorry.

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Please be patient with me and love me because I am truly doing the best I can. Some injuries and their aftermath unfortunately don’t have instantaneous cures. If you could just place yourself in my shoes for a moment I think you would understand more. I don’t think you would appreciate it either if your life and identity were taken from you by someone else’s reckless behavior and you were now under the control of a “stranger” that you have to teach and reteach everything to. And I don’t think you would be particularly happy with the chaos that now lives inside your bones or the monster that silently sleeps behind your smile but is ready to attack at the slightest trigger.

I used to never blow up. I’ve always been a cut throat type of person but that is only because I am or was an athlete. You would never know I was cut throat unless you came across me on the softball field. I am a competitor BUT I was known for my composure. You never knew what I was thinking or feeling on that mound.. Or really at all in life. I’ve always kept my emotions to myself and it used to take a lot of piled up anger before I would make a peep. But now that’s a bit different. If something triggers me and sets me off well just get out of the way because Kaylen Woosley doesn’t exist anymore. My body now belongs to the monster within. But this PTSD “monster” is only trying to protect me. Just be patient because it will get tired and go back to its den and I will reappear and profusely apologize. I hate losing control. I hate losing my temper and lashing out. I’ve tried to learn all my triggers and get a control on it but sometimes that’s just not enough. Sometimes things can happen or occur out nowhere and because of that I wasn’t able to prep myself to be ready for it. It’s truly exhausting living this life now. It’s exhausting trying to maintain control over something that you will NEVER have control over. The one thing that used to help is a reassuring or loving touch/embrace but now with what has transpired I don’t trust easily and the monster within doesn’t trust at all. So it’s probably just best to stay back until it has worn itself out, unless you are brave enough to try to tame it.

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With my brain changes I can’t really tolerate much now. I know I sound like a crazy lunatic with the way I am describing myself. I promise I’m not. I’m actually a very gentle kind person. I don’t like to allow myself such feelings of wrath or inexplicable anger but for now it’s out of my control. There is a story about how we all have two dogs inside of us, a good dog and a mean dog. The dog that everyone on the outside sees and experiences is the one you feed. Well my dominant dog is good and I continuously feed him but after a lot of what I have gone through I have quite a bit of pent up rage, confusion and hurt which tend to all come out as the same emotion.. Anger. Unfortunately all this “anger” is an endless supply of food for my mean dog. When really it’s just the sad little girl in me who is confused, hurt and lost as to why so much as happened the way it has. So therefore the mean dog gets feed and comes out to protect this little girl. Pretty much the same way my PTSD “monster” does. They are all defense mechanisms and ways to protect myself from the unknown and all the bad I have experienced. The human mind is quite powerful and will protect us.

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My agitation certainly doesn’t mean I don’t need love or want love, it just means I am struggling very hard with this unwanted role. Don’t mistake me telling you all this as a sign I have given up because I haven’t. And more importantly I NEVER will. I am just merely giving you an insight of what goes on inside my brain/body now. I’ve come to terms with myself and I realize I am shattered on the inside but you will NEVER see me looking that way if you see me out. I will greet you and smile like nothing’s wrong. It’s only when you catch me off guard or if you really look me in the eyes that you will see I am a mosaic of all the battles I have fought and won.. And some I am still fighting. I am now made up of two worlds. In one I hold everything together and remain strong for everyone else and in the other I am constantly falling apart and continuously trying to patch myself up to keep going. Very few have seen into my second world. It’s only those I trust that have seen me at my weakest. I realize not all things come easy. I believe everything happens for a reason. So for now I will continue to keep putting one foot in front of the other and I will end each day with a positive thought. No matter how hard things were for me today, tomorrow is always a fresh start.

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