There are a few things you need to understand about me.. I am damaged. I get triggered easily. I have struggled and still continue to struggle. There are nights when I curl up into a ball and won’t talk to anyone..I just cry. Sometimes it takes all my energy just to get in bed before I completely lose it. It’s hard holding yourself together and to continue to hold yourself together after countless heartbreaks and failures. Once I woke up from my coma I was a “new” person. Those who were there and who came into my life in the beginning became apart of my “new” world. These people were so much more to me than friends or acquaintances, they were my everything. It was like I was a baby animal and these people were my “mother” and when they came into my life I was “seeing” them for the first time and attaching to them. My world feels and felt empty without them. So once I learned, years later, the true character and intentions of some of these important people my world collapsed. I was left once again putting myself together with the tattered torn up pieces of myself. Left to relearn life again in another “new” world without them. Alone. I will shut you out and I won’t be able to trust you for awhile, because almost everyone who has promised they were going to be there for me has left, cheated, lied, berated me for my injuries and told me the world would be better if I would have died in the intersection of my wreck. Trust me I hate my “new” barely working brain and I hate the fact I have these issues just as much as anyone else. But trust me there IS a reason I survived.
You may see the smile I put on my face but don’t always believe that I am happy inside. I rarely show my true emotions. I’m like an iceberg, I will only show you a little and you will never see or have any idea how much I’m keeping in and holding back. My mind is like a tiny trap-box full of explosives now. The “monster” within is playing and taunting me with a lit match 24/7. This is why I must stay calm. I can’t aggravate any of my triggers or “BOOM” the flashbacks flood back, I have to retreat to the bomb shelter in my mind and the monster takes over to protect me. This is a scary experience. It has become all too normal now. I can stay locked up in my mind for 10-15mins or it could take hours. I never know how long it’ll last. The flashbacks love to haunt me and keep me locked away. They badger me, make me relive every pain (physical, emotional & mental) and they are relentless.
State of dread:
I tend to just go through the motions, very cautious of my actions and surroundings. Sometimes I sense something bad about to happen so I immediately disconnect to avoid lashing out. It’s like I’m there but I’m really not. I’m actually a million miles away and I’m just watching my poor body go through the motions with a brave smile. I hate this. I’m constantly wishing time will pass by quickly so I can avoid this or I can reconnect. I’m always so tense. I can never relax because I have a sense of dread ingrained in my bones. I’m constantly on my toes ready for the attack. I honestly don’t think I know how to relax anymore. I sort of can when I’m with people I trust but then that has slowly gotten shot to Hell with the betrayals I have experienced. So therefore I’m left with no other choice than to look within myself for the strength to keep going and to continue to fight everyday. But one day I realized God has been standing with me all this time giving me His strength. I have never and will never be on my own. He has helped me loosen my grip on trying to maintain control. I am giving everything to Him. I know if He has brought me to this point He will bring me through the rest.
There is nothing outside of yourself that can ever enable you to get better, get stronger, quicker or smarter. It all comes from within you. And the great thing is all of that already exists right now. You just have to tap into it. Once you’ve come to the end of your rope you have two options: let go and give up or tie a knot and fight like hell to hold on. I’ve chosen to fight like hell. It definitely hasn’t been an easy ride but I know it will be worth it eventually I just have to make it through my storm. I’ve learned that feeling unsure and lost is a part of the path He has made for me. I’m not going to avoid these feelings anymore. I’m going to embrace them and see what they are trying to teach me then use those lessons to better myself and help others. Someone who has been spoon fed their entire life and hasn’t had to fight for anything will never fully appreciate life and all the joys that come with it. I get excited over the simplest things. Honestly the simple things are what mean the most to me. Keep it simple in your life. Look for the beauty in everything not the flaws. Change your perspective about whatever situation you are currently in and I promise it will change your life and you will start seeing positive things come your way.