Control

Control. I think a lot of people try to control things around them when they go through difficult times. During these times when we feel everything is going haywire in our lives we tend to try to grasp control, even if/when we know you don’t have any. I know I did. When I woke up from my coma I was welcomed by chaos. I was welcomed with the knowledge of what happened. I was welcomed with a list of my injuries. I was welcomed with unfathomable pain. I was welcomed with confusion. 

   During my time at OU Medical center I had no control. Honestly I don’t even remember being there. I know the stories that have been told to me about how I couldn’t stop talking, my breathing treatments & my ice baths to bring my temperature down but I don’t actually remember being there. I remember the pain. I remember the sounds, the frantic energy. I remember trying so desperately to wake up when the doctors were yelling at me & beating on my chest. I remember my heart beating ungodly fast & almost slipping away while I tried desperately to hold on. 

    When I got to Jim Thorpe I was in my walking coma. I, kaylen was still not awake but I do remember more from there. I remember having no control. No control over my body, my brain, my memories, my daily schedule, therapists bathing me, therapists watching me eat.. no control. When I finally got home I foolishly thought “well now I’m home everything is going to be good”.. I was oh so wrong. Nothing was good & nothing had changed except for my surroundings. I was still in pain, I still couldn’t walk, I still couldn’t remember.. I was still out of control. After being home for a few weeks a “friend” entered my life. During this “friendship” turned “romantic relationship” there were extreme highs & lows which left me feeling out of control. So during this time I took control over the only thing I had, food. I used food to take out my anger. I used food to try to feel independent because I was making the choice not to eat. I used food to punish myself for not understanding why things had happened the way they had. I wanted to make myself numb. I wanted to quiet the madness within my bones. I wanted to feel nothing. But by doing this I became sick, very sick. My recovery from my traumatic brain injury was affected, my physical recovery was affected & the path to finding myself was altered. I lost a lot of weight. I lost my personality. I built up bearers around myself & I became a walking zombie. If you were to look at me all you would see was a hollowed out human. I was dead inside. I had felt too much so I completely shut down. 

     It’s now a few years later & I have gained 40lbs of life back. I’m alive again. I’ve discovered who I am & I’m back on the path of healing. I’ve learned that because of my trauma I feel I need to know every detail about every situation or have control because I know how it feels to have lost control. After years of therapy with my neuropsychologist I understand now that there is no such thing as “being in control.” I’ve learned that when I thought I was “in control” I was completely out of control. We all go through struggles & hard times where we feel out of control. During these times some try to grasp at anything to control, like I did, instead of focusing on what is actually in our ability to change or control. But we don’t always need to know how everything is going to work out. When we pass through deep waters He will be with us. Even when our path seems to be fraught with knots, twists & traps He is with us. When we leave the pen in His hands we will never be disappointed with the story He has written for us. Today is the day to surrender your control & start walking in freedom 💙 #NeverGiveUp #Hope #Faith 

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