Grief

Grief. We usually think about grief in terms of someone grieving the loss of a loved one or grieving the loss of a marriage. But what if you have to grieve the loss of your self? While on the road to recovery from a traumatic brain injury I have dealt with a lot of anger/rage. I took out that anger & rage on myself. I didn’t care about my well being, I was angry. My anger led to me almost killing myself. I dealt with suicidal thoughts but the biggest threat to my well being was my lack of concern for myself. My anger led me to believe I wasn’t worth any effort or concern. It wasn’t until I started opening up more to my neuropsychologist & trusting her that I realized what my anger’s real name was, it was grief. I was grieving the loss of myself. I was grieving the loss of what could have been, the life I pictured I would have, the what if’s & the what could’ve beens. I was grieving the certainty of the future I thought I was going to have because now I was left in the darkness of uncertainty. I’m not an emotional person but the one emotion I can access easily is anger. My anger covers for my hurt, sadness & grief. I know how to be angry, I didn’t know how to grieve. It’s a weird feeling to be grieving yourself when you are still alive. It’s a weird & almost selfish feeling to be grieving yourself & the future you pictured when you’re still alive. When you feel lucky/blessed to be alive, yet you still have this grief/sadness you’re caring in your soul. So instead of learning how to grieve properly I declined my true feelings & turned to anger. There are many times in our lives were we deny our true feelings or hide them because we don’t know how to express them or we are concerned with how they will be taken. But when we deny our true feelings we just put ourselves in more pain. There is no reason to hide or suppress yourself. It is in the process of learning to love yourself that you find true belonging. Believe in yourself. Belong to yourself. Share your most authentic self 💙 #NeverGiveUp #Hope 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s