Trauma is a fickle creature. Just when you think you have a handle on it, it surprises you & comes from a different direction. Recently I have been trying to get my “trauma brain” on the same page as myself & my heart. It’s honestly one of the most frustrating, difficult things to deal with. I, Kaylen, will have a perfect understanding of a scenario but my trauma brain engages & then my body remembering the trauma wants to act as it did years ago when I needed to protect myself. My bodies initial reaction is very animalistic. It wants to shut down & run. This has done well for my body & my heart in the past but now it is years later & I am wanting to move forward. I want to start living the life I dreamt about during my dark days. The dream that kept me going when I thought I had reached my end.
What makes this trauma experience so frustrating is the fact that I, Kaylen, know that what my trauma brain & body are experiencing is a fear response from my past but it still feels so real presently. This inner conflict with my trauma brain & heart is truly draining. It’s as if my trauma brain/body is gaslighting me. Making me doubt what I know is presently true. I argue these thoughts & impulses away but then trauma brain comes back with “you know what happened before. You didn’t listen or see the signs & look what happened.” I, Kaylen, know that my past & where I am presently are polar opposites, yet my body is still struggling on moving into the present with me & my heart.
I know my trauma experience is specific to me but I do know that we all struggle with leaving certain aspects of our past behind. It may not be trauma but we relieve & overthink the situation. We ruminate on the What if’s? Today is the day to leave the past behind. Even if you made mistakes in your past, you do not live there anymore. We all need to take the lessons/experiences from our past & learn from them. In time we learn the seed, our past experiences, holds more beauty than the flower that blooms. Choosing to plant that seed is a brave & courageous choice, the flower that comes after is the inner growth that takes away any limitations or false beliefs we once held. Be brave. Plant that seed.