Forgiveness. Seems simple enough but it is so much more complicated than you can imagine. How do you forgive someone for lying to you? How do you forgive someone for potentially putting your recovery at risk? How do you forgive someone for mistreating you? For using you when you were relearning life? Well for me it was actually quite easy. I have a huge heart and I love extremely hard. So once I let you in you are safe with me. But at the same time that’s what made the betrayal so much worse. Because I had let them in and they knew everything I was going through. Yet they still didn’t think twice before pushing me to the brink.

But I am a forgiver. I will always see the good in the people I love no matter how obvious it is to others that they aren’t and their intentions aren’t good and were never good. It wasn’t until I heard the earth shattering truth and saw my world crumble before me as I stood and watched that I could finally believe the actually truth and reality of my situation. Its crazy how you can love a person who you never really knew. I loved this person for who they pretended to be and for what they were to me during my recovery. I will always love that person who I honestly never knew or met. It was just a mirage that was put in front of me. I loved them in a way they will never understand.. But it wasn’t until that moment that I had no other choice but to walk away and try to mend what was left of my tattered heart.

The process of forgiveness:

The hardest struggle is how do I forgive myself? How do I forgive myself for allowing this? For not seeing it? For believing this person over everyone else? For putting my life in someone else’s hands? There is a saying that having children is like having your heart roam outside of your body.. Or something like that. But that’s exactly how it was for me. I gave this person my heart and trusted them with it. I gave them my memories to hold on to for me because I knew I would forget. They are one of the only ones who knows everything. Honestly probably knows more than I do about myself because I have forgotten so much but I was ok with this because I thought how amazing it was to have someone who was going to be with me forever and always be able to remind me of what I went through or remind me of the days in therapy when I was a lunatic and freaked out about a board game timer going off. But now I have been faced with the harsh reality.

That “fairytale” that was given to me was never real. I was nothing to them. Let me reiterate that.. I was nothing to them because who could honestly betray, lie and misuse someone’s memories if they really cared for you. This is just part of the truth I have had to accept and trust me there has been a lot that I have had to swallow. It has been harder to get through than anything that I have had to endure from the wreck BUT it has set me free. I have accepted I will never get answers but that’s ok. I have started to create my own life and by doing so I have had many wonderful people and opportunities come into my life.

Embracing my new reality:

I am now on a mission to be the best I can be. I want to be the best version of myself and I think I am on the right path. I am trying to get things done with my brain. I no longer have patience for certain things, not because I have become arrogant, but simply because I have reached a point in my life where I don’t want to waste my time on things that displease me or hurt me. I no longer spend a single minute on those who lie or want to manipulate.

I have now seen what I can accomplish. I have seen how I can fulfill my passion of helping others and utilize my struggle to help ease somebody else’s. I have heard God’s promise to me and I will remain patient. I KNOW wonderful things are awaiting me once I get through the last part of my storm. I know I will still have my dream future, it will just be altered a bit from the former image I had in my mind.

I have learned that there are moments or times in our life that are either home, holiday or hell. Well I have certainly been through the hell part of my life and I believe am now going through the holiday part. With everything that is unfolding right now I can’t wait to be on my journey home.

Emptiness and uncertainty are probably two of the worst feelings and I feel both all the time. It’s a horrible feeling when you feel don’t belong in your own body. I woke up to a brand new world and unfortunately that “new” world for me was full of emotional and physical pain. I was abandoned by friends. And my family wasn’t there to fully support me the way I needed so I was left alone to deal with everything.

But then I made a friend. This friend turned into my best friend and safety blanket. They kept me in touch with life and what being a 23-27 year old was supposed to be like. They were my most trusted confidant. They witnessed me at my weakest and watched me struggle daily. They promised to always be there for me and I fully believed in them. But I was wrong. Have you ever had to watch your life crumble before your very eyes? Have you ever been told the truth and it feels as if the earth is cracking under your feet? Have you ever felt completely and utterly alone? I have. The truth will set you free but it will hurt like hell before it does.
Having your life crumble before you and not be able to do anything to fix it is something I would never wish on my worst enemy. What are words if you don’t truly mean them when you say them? What’s the point of empty promises? There is none. It’s just wasted air and wasted trust. I thought I had someone who would always have my back yet when I turn around now all I have is my shadow. I guess that’s all I ever had but I was too blind to see it before now. It’s extremely hard for me to lose something that was such a constant in my life because I have already had so much taken. It causes my PTSD to flare up and my panic and anxiety to be at an all time high. For me losing this person who was and had become apart of my “new” world was an incredible loss but then to add on top of that the betrayal of my trust and the misuse of my memory loss.. The pain was unimaginable.

What you do is far greater than what you say. I was told this many times by my grandfather. He used to always give me words of advice and life lessons. So after being left with nothing and feeling completely alone. I decided to look up to God and to look within myself to find my reserved strength. I didn’t believe I had any left but I did. I tapped into it and I opened my eyes and ears to God. I prayed for a peaceful mind. I tried to stop finding reason for why everything has happened the way it has and I prayed for strength. The strength I needed to hold my head high and continue on my path of recovery. My prayers were answered. God has reconnected me to my inner self.

After the wreck I was completely detached. My heart, mind and soul were all separate entities, but with Gods help he has slowly reconnected them so I’m now whole. I have been made new in His eyes. I now feel welcomed in my body and I feel like I have a reason and purpose for being here. I am slowly finding that reason and it is truly amazing to watch Gods work happen right before my eyes. So many great opportunities and people who have come into my life and I believe it’s all a part of Gods plan for me. There is a reason why I suffered, there is a reason why I have been through so much emotional and physical pain. I now believe it is to help others.

Before my wreck I graduated from SWOSU and I majored in psychology. The Friday before my wreck, Monday morning, I was accepted into graduate school to further my passion and goal of becoming a psychologist. I have always wanted to help others and to ease their pain while they are struggling. I think I am a natural nurturer and caretaker. But now I plan on continuing my passion but just in a tad different way, for now. I’m going to use my story and struggles to help others. To help people who are struggling with anything realize you can still have hope. Even if you have watched your world crumble before you or if you have trouble dealing with anxiety/depression you still have hope.

Tomorrow is a new day and if you change your mindset and think of all the obstacles before you as challenges and opportunities for you to prevail then you can do it. Hope is always rising. You can honestly find the silver lining in every bad situation it’s just up to you to decide if you really want to get better or if you have become comfortable and accustomed to the pain and struggle. And that is perfectly normal but one day you will look back and regret not taking the chance to get better. We all deserve the pursuit to happiness. Even if you don’t find exactly what you are looking for you can be proud of the fact that you tried. We only have this one life don’t waste it.