After everything I have survived and been through I can finally say I am self-propelled. I am fueled from within. I am fueled with all the opportunities that lie before me now. I can finally live my life for myself and for the purpose of fulfilling my passion and finding my happiness. I don’t have to live my days going from one therapy to the next or from Doctor to Doctor anymore. I have learned to appreciate people’s opinions but to not get attached to them. Not everyone is going to understand me or like the “new” me and for the first time I believe I am perfectly ok with that. I’m ok with that because I have fallen in love with the person I have become. I was broken down to nothing after my wreck and I was left shattered after my heartbreak and betrayal. Although I didn’t know this at the time, this was one of my many blessings in disguise. I was able to put myself back together piece by piece. And this time I put myself back together differently so that way I can be the woman He needs me to be to fulfill my purpose for this life. I have finally learned that if I give people more respect and loyalty than they deserve, I give them the power to starve my soul. I have spent too much time on others and their wants and needs, it is now my time to replenish my soul and find my happiness.
It was hard to wake up in this “new” world after my coma but I am so glad I did and that I am finally going through my last awakening. I am now fully seeing the world again. Even though my heart was tattered and torn to pieces by the choice I made to trust and remain loyal to the one I thought would never hurt me, I am so proud of my mistake now. Because if I wouldn’t have made this mistake then that means I would’ve never tried. I also wouldn’t have learned what true love is and what it isn’t. It is always better to try and fail than to play it safe and sit on the sidelines… But that’s my opinion.
Becoming a survivor:
Many people could describe me as damaged now after everything I have been through and that is ok. At one point in time, I too, would’ve described myself as damaged but not anymore. I am a survivor. I have seen hell and I have fought my way back. I now know more than ever that most of the “damaged” people we see today were once kind and compassionate people but they unfortunately came across tough situations. People who have been through hell and who have come out on the other side, know that everyone can fall. But it is up to them to decide whether or not to rise again. I chose to rise.
Although I am left dealing with my body always tensing up because I’m ready to fight off any sudden storm that might try to engulf me, I am out of the hell of recovery. I have to keep an eye open while I sleep and I have to prepare myself for the flashbacks and night terrors but I am out of the pits of misery I was once stuck in during my recovery. My PTSD and severe traumatic brain injury are now apart of me and my identity BUT they do not define me. I am so much more than being defined by those two labels.
I believe God uses broken people to help heal and rescue others. Sometimes it takes the eyes of one who has struggled to see the brokenness and struggles in someone else. Because I know firsthand I try my best to hide my pain and you can only see it if you really look me in the eye. I believe this is how everyone is who is truly struggling with something because they are trying to remain strong and fix themselves. But sometimes it takes the helping hand of someone else to start the healing process. When you feel you don’t have the strength to continue remember, it doesn’t take a fiery flame that everyone can see to continue on. Sometimes it just takes a tiny spark inside you that whispers “keep fighting.” We weren’t created to be depressed, defeated, heartbroken, ashamed, unworthy or guilty. We were created to be victorious in His name.