traumatic brain injury survivor

Joy runs deeper than despair

/ Kaylen Woosley / Leave a comment

Forgiveness. Seems simple enough but it is so much more complicated than you can imagine. How do you forgive someone for lying to you? How do you forgive someone for potentially putting your recovery at risk? How do you forgive someone for mistreating you? For using you when you were relearning life? Well for me it was actually quite easy. I have a huge heart and I love extremely hard. So once I let you in you are safe with me. But at the same time that’s what made the betrayal so much worse. Because I had let them in and they knew everything I was going through. Yet they still didn’t think twice before pushing me to the brink.

image
But I am a forgiver. I will always see the good in the people I love no matter how obvious it is to others that they aren’t and their intentions aren’t good and were never good. It wasn’t until I heard the earth shattering truth and saw my world crumble before me as I stood and watched that I could finally believe the actually truth and reality of my situation. Its crazy how you can love a person who you never really knew. I loved this person for who they pretended to be and for what they were to me during my recovery. I will always love that person who I honestly never knew or met. It was just a mirage that was put in front of me. I loved them in a way they will never understand.. But it wasn’t until that moment that I had no other choice but to walk away and try to mend what was left of my tattered heart.

The process of forgiveness:

The hardest struggle is how do I forgive myself? How do I forgive myself for allowing this? For not seeing it? For believing this person over everyone else? For putting my life in someone else’s hands? There is a saying that having children is like having your heart roam outside of your body.. Or something like that. But that’s exactly how it was for me. I gave this person my heart and trusted them with it. I gave them my memories to hold on to for me because I knew I would forget. They are one of the only ones who knows everything. Honestly probably knows more than I do about myself because I have forgotten so much but I was ok with this because I thought how amazing it was to have someone who was going to be with me forever and always be able to remind me of what I went through or remind me of the days in therapy when I was a lunatic and freaked out about a board game timer going off. But now I have been faced with the harsh reality.

image

That “fairytale” that was given to me was never real. I was nothing to them. Let me reiterate that.. I was nothing to them because who could honestly betray, lie and misuse someone’s memories if they really cared for you. This is just part of the truth I have had to accept and trust me there has been a lot that I have had to swallow. It has been harder to get through than anything that I have had to endure from the wreck BUT it has set me free. I have accepted I will never get answers but that’s ok. I have started to create my own life and by doing so I have had many wonderful people and opportunities come into my life.

Embracing my new reality:

I am now on a mission to be the best I can be. I want to be the best version of myself and I think I am on the right path. I am trying to get things done with my brain. I no longer have patience for certain things, not because I have become arrogant, but simply because I have reached a point in my life where I don’t want to waste my time on things that displease me or hurt me. I no longer spend a single minute on those who lie or want to manipulate.

image

I have now seen what I can accomplish. I have seen how I can fulfill my passion of helping others and utilize my struggle to help ease somebody else’s. I have heard God’s promise to me and I will remain patient. I KNOW wonderful things are awaiting me once I get through the last part of my storm. I know I will still have my dream future, it will just be altered a bit from the former image I had in my mind.

image

I have learned that there are moments or times in our life that are either home, holiday or hell. Well I have certainly been through the hell part of my life and I believe am now going through the holiday part. With everything that is unfolding right now I can’t wait to be on my journey home.

Discovering my inner self..

/ Kaylen Woosley / Leave a comment

Emptiness and uncertainty are probably two of the worst feelings and I feel both all the time. It’s a horrible feeling when you feel don’t belong in your own body. I woke up to a brand new world and unfortunately that “new” world for me was full of emotional and physical pain. I was abandoned by friends. And my family wasn’t there to fully support me the way I needed so I was left alone to deal with everything.

image
But then I made a friend. This friend turned into my best friend and safety blanket. They kept me in touch with life and what being a 23-27 year old was supposed to be like. They were my most trusted confidant. They witnessed me at my weakest and watched me struggle daily. They promised to always be there for me and I fully believed in them. But I was wrong. Have you ever had to watch your life crumble before your very eyes? Have you ever been told the truth and it feels as if the earth is cracking under your feet? Have you ever felt completely and utterly alone? I have. The truth will set you free but it will hurt like hell before it does.
Having your life crumble before you and not be able to do anything to fix it is something I would never wish on my worst enemy. What are words if you don’t truly mean them when you say them? What’s the point of empty promises? There is none. It’s just wasted air and wasted trust. I thought I had someone who would always have my back yet when I turn around now all I have is my shadow. I guess that’s all I ever had but I was too blind to see it before now. It’s extremely hard for me to lose something that was such a constant in my life because I have already had so much taken. It causes my PTSD to flare up and my panic and anxiety to be at an all time high. For me losing this person who was and had become apart of my “new” world was an incredible loss but then to add on top of that the betrayal of my trust and the misuse of my memory loss.. The pain was unimaginable.

image
What you do is far greater than what you say. I was told this many times by my grandfather. He used to always give me words of advice and life lessons. So after being left with nothing and feeling completely alone. I decided to look up to God and to look within myself to find my reserved strength. I didn’t believe I had any left but I did. I tapped into it and I opened my eyes and ears to God. I prayed for a peaceful mind. I tried to stop finding reason for why everything has happened the way it has and I prayed for strength. The strength I needed to hold my head high and continue on my path of recovery. My prayers were answered. God has reconnected me to my inner self.

After the wreck I was completely detached. My heart, mind and soul were all separate entities, but with Gods help he has slowly reconnected them so I’m now whole. I have been made new in His eyes. I now feel welcomed in my body and I feel like I have a reason and purpose for being here. I am slowly finding that reason and it is truly amazing to watch Gods work happen right before my eyes. So many great opportunities and people who have come into my life and I believe it’s all a part of Gods plan for me. There is a reason why I suffered, there is a reason why I have been through so much emotional and physical pain. I now believe it is to help others.

Before my wreck I graduated from SWOSU and I majored in psychology. The Friday before my wreck, Monday morning, I was accepted into graduate school to further my passion and goal of becoming a psychologist. I have always wanted to help others and to ease their pain while they are struggling. I think I am a natural nurturer and caretaker. But now I plan on continuing my passion but just in a tad different way, for now. I’m going to use my story and struggles to help others. To help people who are struggling with anything realize you can still have hope. Even if you have watched your world crumble before you or if you have trouble dealing with anxiety/depression you still have hope.

image
Tomorrow is a new day and if you change your mindset and think of all the obstacles before you as challenges and opportunities for you to prevail then you can do it. Hope is always rising. You can honestly find the silver lining in every bad situation it’s just up to you to decide if you really want to get better or if you have become comfortable and accustomed to the pain and struggle. And that is perfectly normal but one day you will look back and regret not taking the chance to get better. We all deserve the pursuit to happiness. Even if you don’t find exactly what you are looking for you can be proud of the fact that you tried. We only have this one life don’t waste it.

 

Silence

/ Kaylen Woosley / Leave a comment

Silence. Something I have grown accustomed to. I’ve learned to completely shut off emotions and feelings. Don’t judge me for this. Do you know what it’s like for the ones you love to leave you and give no answer for it? To not be able to communicate? To have unfiltered anger that can be triggered by anything? To have a “monster” that lives inside you now that will lash out at anything to “protect” you? To have to fish words out of the blank space that is now inside your mind? To be startled by every sound? To have to live through flashbacks that are hell on earth? To be told something and instantly forget? To not be able to handle certain sounds, lights and crowds because you will have a panic attack? It’s maddening. It’s exhausting.

So I have learned to enjoy the silence. I am an observer now. I observe and take in everything. Partially because I have to so I can understand what is going on and to give me time to process but also because you can find all the truths you need when you just observe. You become much wiser when you are going through the recovery process from a traumatic brain injury. I woke up from my coma as a 4-6yr old. I had to relearn everything about life, social norms, daily activities, etc. I also got to see the world through a new pair of eyes and to experience the unfortunate judgements of those who are scared of the unknown. I learned how to cope with the uneducated who would harass me and follow me into stores then laugh in my face as I tried to explain my situation because on the outside I look “normal” so there should be no reason for me to use a handicap pass. I developed a new layer of toughness to be able to handle these situations. I am grateful for my situation because I think over the past four years it has developed me into a much stronger and caring person but I also hate it because it seems no matter what I am alone.

I am alone because no matter who is with me I feel I will never be able to communicate how I am or what I’m feeling. I am alone because after June 11 and what unraveled in my life following the wreck it’s hard to let down my guard and to trust. I am still in a survival mode protecting myself from anymore harm which plays into my PTSD and puts it into overdrive. It’s overwhelming. Where do I go from here? Who do I trust? How will I know I can trust again? So many questions going through my mind on an endless loop. My mind is already fuzzy enough due to my injury but life sure has made it into an even bigger mess. So how do I continue to move forward with my life? Well that’s a very easy question to answer.. God.

My faith is the only thing that has pulled me through. You don’t have to believe in God to be able to deal with the struggles of your life but you do need to have faith in something. Without faith and the hope that it will get better you will remain down on the ground where pain and sadness want to keep you. Pain, sadness and confusion are all the devils tools to use against you and play tricks on your mind. He wants you to feel hopeless and forgotten so that way you are much easier to manipulate and become his. Don’t give him that power. There is hope for you no matter what cards life has dealt you. The only thing you need is a strong mind and mental toughness. The most powerful tool you will ever need is your mind. Yes my mind isn’t at its peak anymore but I still have my fierceness that I acquired from being an athlete. I have approached every obstacle that has stood in my way the same way I would have when I stood on that mound and faced my next victim aka the batter. Nothing and no one is going to beat me. I will win this battle. I will strike you out. image

Before and After

/ Kaylen Woosley / Leave a comment

There are a few moments that mark your life forever. In these moments you realize nothing will ever be the same and time has been divided in two.. Before and After. For me my life will be forever defined as before June 11 and after June 11. I reached my darkest and lowest point during this time. When I was at my lowest and everything seemed to be burning down around me I took my first step forward and walked through the fire and forged my new life in the flames. This new life wasn’t easy. Just because it was new doesn’t mean it was devoid of pain. There was a lot of pain during this period; mental, emotional and physical. Relearning how to do everything was nothing compared to relearning the character of some of the people I held dearest. But when it comes down to it it wasn’t my job to expose the fake they ended up exposing themselves and gave me the biggest gift. I had to become my best friend and in that process I found a new strength. I know how to be alone. I know how to survive. Never define someone by their words. Anyone can say the right words at the right time but not everyone can do the right things at the right time. Look at people’s actions for they will say volumes about their character. The best people will come into your life and make you see the sunshine even when you feel like Eeyore with a tiny rain cloud constantly following you. These people will believe in you so much that you start to believe in yourself and believe you can do anything with them by your side. These people are simply once in a lifetime. I am very fortunate to know a few people like this. They have been the greatest blessing. I’ve always been a person who looks too deep into something or someone because I realized there is always more than what meets the eye. The perfect example of this is myself. If you were to see me or talk to me you would think there is nothing wrong with me. I can hide my scars and I have learned how to hide my blunders when I talk or when I forget what is going on. Traumatic brain injuries are very different from one another. Just because I don’t appear “different” doesn’t mean I am not severely struggling on the inside to keep up with you as you talk and to process what you are saying as well as many other lovely side effects that come along with a TBI. If one day I could present myself the way I feel on the inside you would walk right past me because I would be unrecognized. It’s hard to fight the invisible battle because generally people think you are making it up, weak, stupid, lazy or just weird. But I am none of those things.. Well I guess I am a little weird 😃 but I believe that’s to the eye of the beholder. It’s not wrong to be 27 years old and still turn into a 5 year old when you hear the Jurassic Park music playing or to still enjoy watching Pocahontas. That’s just part of what makes me me. There is one thing I can promise you.. No matter what you are dealing with it will get better. What we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory He will reveal to us later. When you have struggled through something unexpected your heart has been pushed beyond the limits of what most people could endure. Embrace that. For when you have been destroyed (by whatever obstacle that stands in your way) you start to understand yourself as you are picking up the pieces and putting yourself back together. Find the silver lining in this situation because honestly it’s a gift. You get to know who you really are and what you are made of. After these times in your life you know you can survive anything.