You think and say that I look normal. You act like if I tried hard enough I could still be just the same. But what you don’t realize is I never will be the Kaylen Woosley again that you knew for 23 years and I am perfectly fine with that. Actually I am more proud to be the person I am today because I have fought like hell to become her. Yes I have my flaws and things I still need to work on but I have new depths to my soul. What you need to realize is your unrealistic expectations of trying to accept the new me, puts so much more pressure and demands on me and it has also made me very aware this is no game. Don’t misunderstand that I am not grateful or immensely thankful because I am. I am very aware that my disability could be much worse and that it is literally a miracle that I am still here. But please don’t ask me to pretend it is easy or ask me to try and minimize. Because today, my life, my losses, my reality, feels very much like a curse. Someday I am sure I will have the ability to let go of this incredible pain. But unfortunately right now it has to be handled my way, in my time frame and not the way you would like me to handle it. For that I am sorry.

Please be patient with me and love me because I am truly doing the best I can. Some injuries and their aftermath unfortunately don’t have instantaneous cures. If you could just place yourself in my shoes for a moment I think you would understand more. I don’t think you would appreciate it either if your life and identity were taken from you by someone else’s reckless behavior and you were now under the control of a “stranger” that you have to teach and reteach everything to. And I don’t think you would be particularly happy with the chaos that now lives inside your bones or the monster that silently sleeps behind your smile but is ready to attack at the slightest trigger.

I used to never blow up. I’ve always been a cut throat type of person but that is only because I am or was an athlete. You would never know I was cut throat unless you came across me on the softball field. I am a competitor BUT I was known for my composure. You never knew what I was thinking or feeling on that mound.. Or really at all in life. I’ve always kept my emotions to myself and it used to take a lot of piled up anger before I would make a peep. But now that’s a bit different. If something triggers me and sets me off well just get out of the way because Kaylen Woosley doesn’t exist anymore. My body now belongs to the monster within. But this PTSD “monster” is only trying to protect me. Just be patient because it will get tired and go back to its den and I will reappear and profusely apologize. I hate losing control. I hate losing my temper and lashing out. I’ve tried to learn all my triggers and get a control on it but sometimes that’s just not enough. Sometimes things can happen or occur out nowhere and because of that I wasn’t able to prep myself to be ready for it. It’s truly exhausting living this life now. It’s exhausting trying to maintain control over something that you will NEVER have control over. The one thing that used to help is a reassuring or loving touch/embrace but now with what has transpired I don’t trust easily and the monster within doesn’t trust at all. So it’s probably just best to stay back until it has worn itself out, unless you are brave enough to try to tame it.

With my brain changes I can’t really tolerate much now. I know I sound like a crazy lunatic with the way I am describing myself. I promise I’m not. I’m actually a very gentle kind person. I don’t like to allow myself such feelings of wrath or inexplicable anger but for now it’s out of my control. There is a story about how we all have two dogs inside of us, a good dog and a mean dog. The dog that everyone on the outside sees and experiences is the one you feed. Well my dominant dog is good and I continuously feed him but after a lot of what I have gone through I have quite a bit of pent up rage, confusion and hurt which tend to all come out as the same emotion.. Anger. Unfortunately all this “anger” is an endless supply of food for my mean dog. When really it’s just the sad little girl in me who is confused, hurt and lost as to why so much as happened the way it has. So therefore the mean dog gets feed and comes out to protect this little girl. Pretty much the same way my PTSD “monster” does. They are all defense mechanisms and ways to protect myself from the unknown and all the bad I have experienced. The human mind is quite powerful and will protect us.

My agitation certainly doesn’t mean I don’t need love or want love, it just means I am struggling very hard with this unwanted role. Don’t mistake me telling you all this as a sign I have given up because I haven’t. And more importantly I NEVER will. I am just merely giving you an insight of what goes on inside my brain/body now. I’ve come to terms with myself and I realize I am shattered on the inside but you will NEVER see me looking that way if you see me out. I will greet you and smile like nothing’s wrong. It’s only when you catch me off guard or if you really look me in the eyes that you will see I am a mosaic of all the battles I have fought and won.. And some I am still fighting. I am now made up of two worlds. In one I hold everything together and remain strong for everyone else and in the other I am constantly falling apart and continuously trying to patch myself up to keep going. Very few have seen into my second world. It’s only those I trust that have seen me at my weakest. I realize not all things come easy. I believe everything happens for a reason. So for now I will continue to keep putting one foot in front of the other and I will end each day with a positive thought. No matter how hard things were for me today, tomorrow is always a fresh start.

Just going through the motions. I see and hear what is going on around me but I am not there. Do you know what it’s like to physical be somewhere but at the same time you are a million miles away? When I disconnect I, Kaylen Woosley, am gone. It’s like I’m floating above myself witnessing what is going on but my body is just left there going through the motions with a smile. This can be brought on by a sound or sometimes it’s just too much stimulation and I need to escape. When it is brought on by a sound or light then that’s when my PTSD monster takes over. It’s time for me to take shelter. I go into my bomb shelter within my mind and stay there until the flashbacks are over. This can take anywhere from 10-15 minutes to hours. It’s completely random as to which flashback will haunt me and want to keep me locked up. The thing I hate most about this is the fact that I am left wishing and hoping time will pass by fast. I wake up already on edge and in survival mode and I never leave that mode for the entire day.

I’m terrified to relax and honestly I don’t even think I know how to relax anymore. Checking my watch or phone to see how much time has passed.. Ok good an hour down, oh thank God the mornings over, oh no darkness is setting in, ok well now it’s time to wind down and then the dread of now it’s time to sleep and try to stay asleep. Ugh it is exhausting. This is no way to live but unfortunately this is my “life”. Constantly terrified and worried of the unknown. So much has happened to me out of no where that I can’t be positive about anything. Just because something sounds good and feels good doesn’t mean it is good or it doesn’t mean that you can’t be sideswiped out of nowhere. This I have learned the hard way. I mean all I had left to do was get through that intersection. That’s like what?.. 10-20 yards. But nope God had another plan.

Weathering the storm:

I refuse to give up. I refuse to quit. That is just not in my genetic makeup. Even though each day is an obstacle within itself I choose to tackle it. I choose to take it on because once I do that’s one less day standing in my way and it’s another day that has made me stronger. It’s another day I get to look my PTSD monster in the eye and say “Better luck next time.” A strong soul shines after every storm. I believe that while battling and weathering my storm, I have increased the fire within me. I am no longer fearful of others seeing my cracks because that is the only way they will be able to see that light. I have fought hard to become this person and to flourish my flame. I have gone too long thinking I am worthless. I have gone too long holding high the opinions of those I loved over my own. Now it is my time. I have done lots of soul searching and I have come to terms with myself. I have read multiple books on bettering myself and to help me become the woman I want to be.

Beauty can be seen in all things. No matter how damaged you think you are, you are still beautiful. Seeing the beauty in something is all in the eye of the beholder. Change your view and perspective and I promise you it will change your life. Look for the beauty in things not the flaws. Speak life to others not death. If I would’ve known the freedom of letting go I wouldn’t have held on so tight for so long. Loosen your grip on life and give God control. You deserve the love you keep giving others. Take a step back and let that same love come back to you. Just breathe.

Who am I? Why do I cry? What is my purpose? My mind is at a loss. I feel I am stuck. I just want to go home where I can be safe. I’m not talking about my house, I’m talking about my home. Where I am meant to be. I need to go. I need to feel protected. There is too much happening. It’s madness. How am I supposed to figure myself out when I am constantly dodging land mines? How am I supposed to feel safe when the ones I love betray me? Who am I to trust? I need some consistency. I need to feel safe and secure again. I need to feel wanted by my own body and brain. If I don’t feel I belong in my own skin how am I supposed to venture out and find my purpose? Or figure out the greater meaning in this life? I don’t even know myself.

I’ve been lost in my injuries and recovery. I’ve only been able to focus on what is right in front of me. I can only handle things that will affect my immediate future. My brain can’t handle anything else or it will overload. I forget things so easily. I have no attention span. But I feel as though I am ready to try to start thinking of my long term future. I’m ready to know myself again. I want to define myself, and not have my injuries, past or issues define me. I am so much more than my brain injury. I know I still have a lot to offer. But what really defines a person? Is it my smile? Is it my struggle? My heart? My character? I don’t know but I am willing to fight to find out. You see the old Kaylen is still inside me. I see her every once in awhile when I look in the mirror. She is still there hidden in my eyes. I see her staring back at me smiling. Her voice is softer now but she is still in there. That is who I am fighting for. I am fighting for that little girl who still lives inside me and cries every night. She is waiting to emerge when it is safe so I will continue to fight and protect her. I have grown tired of fighting and pretending to be ok. It is now her time to emerge. I am ready to be Kaylen again.

This is a scary concept for me. I’m scared to be vulnerable and let down my guard. I feel I have to always protect myself. I’m extremely hypervigilant now after everything that has happened and because of my severe PTSD. I know what it’s like to be driving down the road and then to wake up a month later in a hospital not knowing anything. Anything can happen at anytime. That’s why I try to maintain control so I won’t be caught off guard but let’s be honest there is no such thing as control. I am also perfectly aware of that. But the monster within never sleeps. He is always roaming right beneath my skin. He peers through my smile. He is waiting and watching everything. He is waiting to lash out at anything he deems is a threat. I’m done trying to tame this beast. I’m done waiting for the world to end.

My world has already ended many times and began again in the morning. It’s time for me to let it all go. I will never be fully released of my injuries but that’s ok. I have had to fight like hell to get me where I am, and fighting like hell has molded me into the woman I am today. I know there is a greater reason for my struggle and it is up to me to keep fighting everyday to find my greater purpose. God brought me to and got me out of that intersection on June 11 and I know He will get me through whatever I am going through. I feel as if I am now ready to be set free. Free of my mistakes, fears, worries, heartaches and doubt. I am a bird set free. I don’t belong to anyone or anything. I am learning to find love within myself. I am becoming complete on my own. I am freeing myself of all my criticisms. It is time for me to give myself some slack. I may not know how to fly but I know where there is a ladder. And I am ready to climb. I am on the search for the truth. It’s time to be happy again. I am taking a deep breath, dusting myself off and daring to begin again.

When darkness falls the monsters come out to play. Darkness for me can be brought on by sadness, anxiety or something/someone unexpectedly being taken or removed from my life. Change, for me, can bring on darkness quickly. I have experienced enough change to last a lifetime. I had my life and identity ripped apart within seconds. The actual absence of light also brings out the monsters as well. Night time is not the best for me anymore after my wreck. It brings on the flashbacks of being in my coma, hearing and feeling everything while being trapped inside my body. Being trapped in complete darkness with no escape. It brings back the horrible memories of Jim Thorpe, the screaming and being tied down to my bed. I hate reliving the nightmare. Will I ever fully be free of this nightmare? Can I break the chains or will I always be stuck in the dark?

I have shed a thousand skins to become the person I am today. I can vaguely remember my life before everything fell apart. Sometimes I question my “memories” of my previous life, I don’t know if they are truly memories or if they are just the what ifs I like to dream about. I used to cry every night, and long for the what ifs and the previous life I remembered. I long for the person I could’ve been. I long for the future I could’ve had. Would you like to take a walk with me for just a day? Do you think you have the strength to face constant rejection? To face the abandonment? To face the unknown?

The fight:

I no longer have my previous identity, it was tragically lost forever along my road to recovery. It was ripped away in a matter of seconds. It was forever lost in my car. In the intersection. Disability seems like infinity. It seems like a never ending journey. Always searching for a way out and for a way back to the light. I just need reassurance that this will soon be over, I will find my way back to the light, I will find myself again. I know one day I will look back and remember when I was struggling to survive. When I was living minute to minute, hour by hour. I will remember how I was never fully living, just surviving. I will look back on this time of my life and I will smile. I will smile because I survived. I will marvel at the grief that softened me, at the heartache that made my wiser and at the suffering that strengthened me. I will smile because being stuck in the pit of Hell during my recovery introduced me to my new self. It introduced me to my new beginning.

This fight to become “normal” again has molded me and transformed me into the confident strong woman I am today. I am a continuous work in progress but I feel myself growing stronger and becoming more comfortable in my new body everyday. Because of my injury I had to start over, back from square one. By doing this I now know myself better than ever. I am confident because I know who I am, what I’ve survived and I can love myself for who I am becoming. Being stuck reminded me of all the reasons to move forward. Rock bottom is where I decided to fight and it is where I started building the foundation for my new identity.

None of us are getting out of here alive. I learned this lesson during my time at OU medical. I am constantly reminded of this lesson through my flashbacks of laying in the hospital bed clinging on for my life. Slowly fading but fighting to hold on. Getting closer and closer to the darkness but fighting for the light. We all have to go out and seize the life we want. You must speak the truth that you are carrying in your heart. Be silly. Be kind. And love like there is no tomorrow. There is no time for anything else. You never know when you will take your last breath. Someday the pain you are dealing with today will become the source of your strength. Face it. Embrace it. You will make it.

Before June 11, 2012 I would consider myself to be athletic. In my “old” life I played softball so before June 11, I could easily catch a ball, track a ball and use my visual spatial skills but after June 11, that dramatically changed. Found this out in Occupational therapy. I was aware that my visual skills were messed up because I used to go out to the lake and I would mistake geese for rocks but then the rocks would move and freak me out so I had an idea that my brain wasn’t receiving the right message from my eyes. Then this was confirmed on one of my numerous visits to the neurologist. But I had no idea that if someone was to stand over me as I laid on the ground and told me to my face that they were about to drop the ball and for me to catch it that I couldn’t. I had no idea that the ball would smack me in the face before I could even react. That’s one of the many things I learned in occupational therapy about my “new” self.

Another lovely thing I learned is I can’t handle motion or movement of any kind. I was asked by my occupational therapist one day if I could swing. I hadn’t been on a swing in years & definitely hadn’t been on one after my wreck so I answered “of course.” I was once again proven wrong. One of the exercises I had to do in occupational therapy was sit on a tire swing and “swing”. But for me I just kind of sat because I very quickly learned I couldn’t handle the movement. Yes I, a 25-26 year old woman, did most of my therapy in the pediatric gym. Talk about humbling. But as I was fighting my way back through recovery I was basically a child. I had reverted back due to my brain injury. I did a lot of “fun” stuff in occupational therapy.. I played Where’s Waldo, attempted origami (but let’s be honest I just folded paper and had difficulty with that), I did puzzles at 5-10yr old level, played a demonic board game that sent my PTSD in overdrive from the excessive beeping and did a lot with the lovely metronome. Gosh I HATED that thing. It’s truly amazing the stuff I would work on in there and how simple it was but yet for me I felt like my therapists expected me to learn rocket science in a week.

My therapy family:

I don’t know where I would be today without my therapists. I was truly blessed with a great team. I believe I had almost every one of them work with me. They all saw me progress from my wheelchair and crazy hair to my walker and then to walking in and looking “normal” on the outside. All of them helped me on my road to recovery. They were my greatest supporters and some turned into great friends. They knew more about my life than some of my closest friends. These days of therapy were in a sick way probably the best days of my life. I will forever hold these dark days very close to my heart. My therapists gave me hope that my bad times wouldn’t last forever and they gave me hope in humanity. I believe I was meant to have each of them come into my life at the times that they did. During my days and years of therapy I met great genuine people and I got the opportunity to put myself back together BUT unlike many I got to choose how I wanted my pieces to fit. I decided how I was going to be put back together and what my end result was going to be. And I believe I did a pretty good job.

Everybody has gone through something that has changed them to where they can never go back to the person they were before. Unfortunately for me I just had to go through everything all at once. My circumstances may have sent me to the edge and may have burned everything down around me but just like a Phoenix I have risen back up. I chose to not stay down because during this process I have learned what I want out of life and I can’t achieve any of it if I stay down on the ground where pain and sadness want to keep me. If I want to achieve anything I have to stand up and walk with courage, so that’s exactly what I’m doing.

The days and weeks leading up to the anniversary of June 11 are miserable. I start to hear every knock on the door in my mind that I have used to shut out the flashbacks. Every demon who lives beyond that door what’s to come out and play. They want me to experience every sound, loss and pain all over again. They try to work their way through my bones so I will be defenseless when they decide to attack. There are wounds that will never show on my body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds. You may see my smile, love, laughter and faith but what you don’t see is what is hiding deep within me. The “monster” that is relentless at trying to destruct everything in its path. You don’t see the flashbacks, insomnia, Neuro fatigue, brain fog, exhaustion, depression, triggers, anxiety, paranoia, pain, stress or fear. This “monster” is very good at hiding and I’m very good at playing cover up.

I now know how to hide my “weirdness”. I had someone point it out to me enough that I had to learn how to shut off and escape from the madhouse that is inside my mind and I learned to disconnect so I can look calm and peaceful. But in reality I am dead inside and I am just keeping the “monster” at bay. I’ve learned lots of tricks so I can come across as somewhat “normal”. The fear and insecurity that lurks within myself begins in the feeling that I have no control over what is happening to my body or what is happening with my emotions. PTSD creates a hair trigger for emotional high jacking. Something triggers me or I have a random flashback and just like that my body is high jacked. It’s terrifying. It’s also lonely because it’s hard for people to grasp that I don’t have much control over it and it is hard to explain to those who don’t deal with it. I can try to control my surroundings so I can stay calm but that’s about it.

I strongly debated on whether or not I should share my writings and my story. One reason is because I’m scared that if people only read my writings but never get to meet me than they will think I am insane. They will picture me as someone who can’t function. But that is simply not true. They will never realize that I am a normal woman who just has a LOT on her plate or like someone once told me “I don’t have a plate, I have my own buffet.” 😃 which is very true. But I decided I had to look fear in the eye once again and continue on with sharing my story because having an untold story inside of you is extremely painful especially when it is a story that has the possibility of helping so many others who are in the same situation as me or the possibility to help someone who is struggling with something less major but just needs that kick in the pants to realize you can do this. To realize they aren’t alone in whatever battle they are fighting. Don’t give up. A major benefit of writing out my story is it has been very therapeutic. One of my goals in writing is I want to be able to describe the best I can what I have been through and what I go through every day so people can have a better understanding of me. As well as the bag of tricks that comes along with me including my severe traumatic brain injury and PTSD.

Finding my purpose:

There has been a joke among the people who have been around me during my recovery that “I go big and I can’t take the easy road.” It’s funny though because I don’t see an easy or hard road. I just see the path that God has put in front of me. I know with every obstacle, loss, betrayal or pain I have dealt with on my path to recovery, God will use to make something great. There is a reason why I have gone through what I’ve gone through. There is a bigger purpose for me. God will make beauty with these ashes, I am sure of it because I am already seeing some of the outcome. Beneath every survivor is a broken person who had to learn to get back up and to never depend on anyone. Survivors know that the only person who can save them is themselves. The greatest tool a human has is their mind. I, as a survivor, have learned how to use the power of my mind to get me through the impossible. With my writings I no longer have a secret deep within me. I have a story that is ready to be told.

When you were little I’m sure you and your friends would discuss which superpowers you would want. Would you want to fly, have X-Ray vision, super strength, invisibility, etc.. I always wanted to either fly or be invisible. It really is true what they say about be careful what you wish for because you just might get your wish. I think it’s nice to think about being invisible but it’s completely different to actually be invisible to the ones you love or worse have an invisible injury. My severe traumatic brain injury and PTSD are invisible to the naked eye which is a blessing and a curse. I’m beyond grateful that I was able to recover to looking “normal” to others but it is a curse because at times it feels I have to prove that I do struggle daily and I did sustain a life altering injury.

Sometimes it is easier for family and friends to act as if everything is normal than to educate themselves on what life is like for me now with the injuries they can’t see, the unknown is scary and only those who really love and care for you will make the effort to understand your “new” normal. Trust me my injury is real, this isn’t something I made up. Only by the grace of God am I here today. If I wouldn’t have kept my bike helmet on to drive to the lake then my head would have been completely smashed. Even with my helmet on I almost died five times and my brain suffered severe damage. I now have a severe traumatic brain injury and diffuse axonal injury. From the few seconds I remember the day of my wreck and my memories from ICU, Trauma unit, almost dying, and everything that happened after the wreck I have severe PTSD. With my brain injury and PTSD I notice every little sound, movement and mood change. I am very sensitive to sensory issues as well. I am photophobic, which is sensitivity to light. I have a hard time with sounds and movement. My eyes are constantly surveying any room I am in and following every movement. A person moves my eyes involuntarily go straight to that person and see if it is a threat. I have to always have my back to a wall and face or be able to see the exit of any restaurant. In the movie theater I have to sit at the top so no one is behind me and I can see if anything bad was to happen. Certain sounds don’t have as much of an effect on me but then there are others that will take me right back to the day of the wreck or to the days in my coma.

These are all injuries that you can’t see but trust me if you could see the wounds on my heart and brain, I would be unrecognizable to the ones who know me.
When I think back over the past four years, I remember the pain, struggle and heartache. I remember feeling defeated, unlovable and worthless but today when I look in the mirror I finally see Kaylen. I see a woman who learned to wear her heartbreak and tragedies as armor. I am extremely proud of the woman who stares back at me in the mirror because I know what it took for her to put herself back together piece by piece. I see my inner strength, lessons learned, perseverance and the seed within me growing. I can now see a future for myself and for the first time I’m not terrified. Don’t get me wrong I’m still scared because it is a lot to comprehend and it overwhelms me but I have a future and I know my purpose.

Embracing the struggle:

If you are struggling with anything right now just remember most of the people in your life don’t realize the strength and courage it takes for you to get out of bed every morning, face the day and to continue whatever war you are fighting. Be proud of yourself because you are still here and you are still continuing your fight. Embrace your struggle and let it make you stronger. You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it. Repeat after me.. I am stronger than this challenge and I am tougher than whatever is trying to defeat me. This war isn’t over until I win. This too shall pass.

“If I didn’t already know I would never believe that you were in such a horrible car wreck and that you suffer from a severe traumatic brain injury. You look fine.” I have heard comments like this more than once. I take it as a huge compliment since I have worked incredibly hard to get to this point. I had some pretty big obstacles that stood in my way, but I just tackled them one by one. And by Gods grace I came out on top.

Studying my “old” life:

I quickly learned that to get better I was going to have to fully dedicate myself to my recovery, so that’s what I did. Due to my brain injury, I have a hard time sleeping because my brain doesn’t know how to completely shut off and I struggle with night terrors from flashbacks. In the beginning this was very hard to deal with because night time is already so hard for me. But I had to make a choice, do I sulk in my misery or do I try to turn my lack of sleep into a positive? I chose the latter. Every night when I couldn’t sleep I would go through pictures, I would study faces and I would make chronological notes so I could hopefully regain some of my past memories that were lost. This was an exhausting process and it was quite defeating in the beginning because I couldn’t remember much, but then I got back on Facebook and I used it as a study tool. I would go through my friends and try to remember how I knew them and what I knew about them. I did this every night, I still do this but now it’s not at such an extreme extent because thanks to the chronological notes I took and studied over and over I have retrained my brain and regained some of my past memories.

During my recovery I have suffered heartbreak and loss of loved ones but I always reminded myself to just breathe. In these moments of hardship I took deep breaths and told myself “your story isn’t over yet.” I thought of solutions for whatever problems I was dealing with at the time and I promised myself that I wouldn’t let my worry or grief control me. I would remain in control of my actions. I reminded myself everything I need is already within me. I held the power, I had control over my mind. I could choose to think positively about my situation or I could be negative. I chose positive. I had to give myself positive affirmations. I had to remind myself I am strong, nothing and no one is going to break me. I will emerge from these ashes that have tried to bury me.

Finding my way:

In the beginning I would grieve the girl I was before, the one I don’t remember and never met. I would long for the person I could’ve been, but one day it finally hit me. There was no other way for my story to go. This has been Gods plan for me all a long. There is no what if, should’ve or could’ve for me. It was always going to turn out like this because God needed me to go through my wreck and hardships so He could mold me into the woman I needed to become. This is why if I had the option to go back in time and make a different choice I would still choose to drive through the intersection. Although it took me almost dying five times, I was given the greatest gift on June 11. I was given new eyes and a new perspective for my life.

My passion has always been psychology and pursuing it for the purpose of helping others. Now with what I have been through I can fulfill my passion by telling my story and speaking to others. Helping those who have suffered know that their struggles don’t define them. If they are willing to work for it they can come out of the pit of misery and relish in the light again. I’m still learning how to stand in the light because I stood for so long in the shadows but I’m growing more comfortable with it each day. For right now, I have had to put my goal of becoming a psychologist on hold but I believe that during this time of my life this is exactly what I am supposed to be doing to fulfill Gods purpose for me. With my new perspective on life I am eternally grateful. I am thankful for who I have become, and I am going to keep fighting for what I can be tomorrow. Life is full of give and take. Give thanks and take nothing for granted.

Healing comes in waves. Somedays it feels as though you are just beating yourself against the rocks but I have found out that’s ok, it’s still healing. My fear is that I will never be healed. I’ve come this far and I still have so much more to go. It’s an exhausting journey and one that feels as if it will never end. One of the hardest parts of my recovery is trying to recover while dealing with my PTSD. I swear I’m doing ok and I’m getting so much better. Then I don’t know what happens. Something goes wrong and I’m gasping for breath. I’m panicking and I can’t tell what’s real and what is a flashback. I don’t know when or how it happened but I’m losing my mind again. I think I’m missing a piece of myself so I slowly start to crumble. I awake from the terror and I’m left picking myself up off the floor. Once again piecing myself back together even though I know this will happen again because a piece of me is missing. A piece that I’m afraid I will never get back. Im having to learn to balance myself without it so I don’t fall apart anymore.

I’ve become self conscious. Can everyone see the bags under my eyes? Do they notice my eyes constantly darting around the room awaiting for something bad to happen? Do they see the “monster” within me? Am I doing a good enough job appearing happy? Is my smile genuine or do I need to fix it? Can they see I’m struggling on the inside? I hate this. The constant questions that are always in the forefront of my mind. Just so it’s no longer a secret.. I’m struggling. I struggle every minute of everyday. But I am a fighter I will be alright.

Healing:

I know everything will heal eventually, it just takes a little time. My body will heal. My mind will heal as best it can. And my heart will heal. But for now I have to keep the wounds on my heart open. I have to dive into my wounds so I can understand my pain. I must be fearless in this process. I must feel the pain completely so that way these wounds will never surface again. I have to let the wounds on my heart air out until I finally understand the pain I am feeling. I’m learning to remain open so that I can feel lightness. I can’t shut out my light and I can not shut myself off to love. Once my wounds heal I know I will watch beauty pour into my open heart. My heart will be healed and beat even stronger than it did before. I will acquire new strength. My soul will repair itself and I will have gained new depth. I know my happiness will come back. Bad times don’t last forever. Always defend your right to heal at your own pace. You are allowed to take your time. Recovering takes time, and everyone heals at their own pace.

I try to keep my facade up so people can only see my strength because my ultimate fear is if I am vulnerable and open up to anyone again I will be abandoned and left with nothing. I can’t take anymore hurt. I am holding myself together by shear will and with the strength God has provided me. Not many have bothered to hold me close and tell me it’s okay not to be fine. I have been told the exact opposite. “You scare people, you’re weird, you need to step up to the plate, stop being pathetic..etc” trust me I get it I am the unknown so it is extremely easy to now categorize me as a freak. That’s ok. After what I have been through and survived I will gladly wave my freak flag because guess what? I’m alive and I shouldn’t be.

I take everyday head on. There is no other choice. I have breathed through my life up to this point as if I am walking across a battlefield trying to win the ultimate war. My one wish is that one day I will be able to live and not just survive. I want to finally cash in on my jackpot of getting a second chance at life and I want to live. I want to live a passionate and vibrant life. I just have to make it through the sludge of the moat before I can arrive to my final destination of the castle.

You took my identity and you tried to take my life. You took the simplest cognitive functions away from me and you stole my body. When I was broken down to nothing you tried to steal my soul. You killed a part of me and you demolished my dreams of the future. You injected confusion and self-doubt into my veins. You did this so seamlessly I began to believe the lies. You left me questioning my own sanity. I was left walking around aimlessly, like the walking dead. I am at war with my body and brain everyday. I now tiptoe through life trying to avoid the land mines of flashbacks and hateful memories. Every morning I try to wash off the residue of the day before so I can try to start over, but no matter how hard I scrub my skin the heavy words, memories, flashbacks and aching pain still remain. I’m starting to realize there is no reset button. I can not have a do over. This is it.

My mental state has been shaken to its core over the past four years. Everyday has been filled with confusion. I have had to relearn this “new” world twice now. I thought I had found my silver lining and I thought I had my life figured out but then I had everything taken from me and all the lies I had once believed revealed as nothing more than empty promises. Once the truth was revealed I was left crumbling to the ground. I was left once again confused and lost trying to figure out my “new” world. Do you have any idea what it’s like to try to do “routine” or “normal” things that you used to do before but now you simply can’t? Do you know what it is like to not know who you are anymore when you look in the mirror? To think you have found your way out of the fire multiple times, only to be left consumed by the flames? Hopeless and devastated I stopped and took a hard look at myself. I saw a lost girl who was broken but then I thought of how far I have come and I saw my new strengths I have acquired during my recovery. It was in this moment I found my inner power, so I wiped away my tears and picked myself up. I stood tall, faced forward and continued on.

Some people fear the fire and some simply become it. I had no choice but to become the fire that was trying to engulf me. I had to change, I was left no other option. Im not mourning the loss of myself anymore. I’m only grieving the thought that I could one day rescue my old self. Im mourning the ignorance of that thought but also relishing in the fact that I could never rescue my old self, nor did I need to. The seed that was planted in me the day of my wreck, when I was broken down to nothing was starting to flourish, and I am starting to see the tiny branches grow. In the depths of my despair and heartbreak I found myself, my “new” self. The one who learned to rise from the ashes. The one who has put herself back together piece by piece. We all have hidden seeds inside of us we just have to find them and learn what they need from us so they can grow.

Never giving up:

Life is full of disappointments, failures and setbacks. But none of these things can permanently stop you. We all have the power to overcome anything life throws at us. Nothing is as powerful as a made up mind. Don’t give up or cave in, tell yourself you will get through whatever it is you are going through, then just do it. Never stop believing in yourself. Whatever war you are fighting right now isn’t over until you win. Repeat that to yourself everyday, I did and still do. I also have it written on the mirror in my bathroom, along with many other positive affirmations. It may look odd when guests come over but it is what I need to do for myself to remind me my story is far from over. I made up my mind that nothing will overcome me and the only thing that has the power to defeat me is myself. Don’t wait for everything to be perfect before you to start to live and enjoy your life, you could be waiting forever. Start enjoying your life today. Be grateful for every moment because you never know when you could take your last breath.

The finest souls are the ones who have gulped pain but never made anyone else taste it. Instead, they walk through the flames of hell with buckets of water for those who are still consumed by the fire. At some point in time everything is going to go wrong in your life. When this time comes you can either accept what you are left with and learn to work with it.. Or you can give up. Never give up. Grab your bucket and learn to walk through the flames.